Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story
by Phbbttbbtt
Summary: Siegfried takes his second step in the Tale of Souls....meanwhile, Nightmare and Chinpoko get into trouble on a boring day. I don't own rights to Namco or Soul Calibur.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1: SOUL CALIBUR INTRODUCTION**

Um, hello.

Are you reading this story?

Because if you aren't, I know a guy named Nightmare, and he's a guy. That's right, a guy. I'm not dating him. Because he's not a girl. I'm not gay. But he's a guy, with a big sword. And this sword is called Soul Edge. And Soul Edge is the creepiest chunk of metal I have ever seen.

How many swords do you see that LOOKS at you when you wield it? That's just disturbing right there! I mean, you try to use it, even look at it, and it's fricking STARING at you! I'm not sure I'd like a weapon with an eye bulging at the center. Would you? If you do, you should seek mental help, because DAMN!

Thus, this guy (we established that) has a big sword (established that as well,) named Soul Edge. And if he kills you with it, he'll steal your soul. You can't get it back. Sorry.

I'm going to tell you a story, and it's about Nightmare. However, let me tell you something. You know that game that many people play called "Soul Calibur"? You know, where there's a good sword and a bad sword dishing it out? You see how Nightmare's really intimidating and looks so evil that the Devil won't even take him? All that stuff about him being so cruel and evil and intimidating, it's all bullshit. Sorry, Namco only wants more money, and the real Nightmare doesn't really suit the video game theme.

You see, before he was possessed by Soul Edge, Siegfried was an athlete, champion in the Tiddly Winks division in the Olympics. You see, back then, people had no REAL talents except slaying imaginary dragons and Tiddly Winks. It was the thing back then, man. Oh yeah. Tiddly Winks. They used to play it all the time. Siegfrieds also had a fancy for ice cream and suspenders. He liked suspenders.

One day, he was playing with a rusty serrated knife, when he was suddenly mesmerized by their new high definition TV, complete with a DVR and TiVo. Not realizing he was only in the 16th century, he turned the television on, and watched reruns of Murder, She Wrote. After the first 40 seconds, he went insane, and ultimately impaled his father on a trident, burned his body, and threw the ashes across the room while gnawing on one of his bones. His sanity returned, and he saw the horrible crime that he had commit. Horror struck across his eyes, and he said,

"This bone tastes good, but it has little seasoning!"

And thus, he went on a quest to find more seasoning. In order to do so, he would need to find a legendary weapon called Soul Edge. He realized this when he saw a poster for the new Soul Calibur III out. Having no idea was a Soul Calibur was, he decided to make it sound cooler and came up with the word Soul Edge. Namco was pleased and inspired, and it stuck. Siegfried traveled far and wide to find Soul Edge, from Germany to France, to Las Vegas and then to Atlantis. When he visited Atlantis, he was going to clean his ears with a stick from a beaver dam, which broke it and ultimately caused the flooding of Atlantis. Siegfried escaped when he grabbed on a billboard for Victoria's Secret for dear life. He washed up on shore 30 minutes later, but didn't get off until the fifth day. No one knows why.

Hungry and weakened due to not eating for 5 days, he came across a boat. He saw a flaming pirate, but wasn't too interested in it. Then, he saw something shiny! It was very shiny! He went to find the sparkliness, but accidentally turned on the water hose and doused the flaming pirate. The pirate had Soul Edge in its hands. Deciding that the shiny thing could wait, he grabbed the cursed sword and became possessed. His chemical imbalance within his brain cause a chain reaction through Soul Edge and the Evil Seed spread throughout the world, causing many good natured people to become complete and total dumbasses across the globe. Now a sinister abomination, he searched for one thing: Peanuts. And to get those peanuts, he was to kill as many people as possible so he would become powerful enough to obtain his most random goal. He gained a bunch of followers: Astaroth the Wise, Ivy the Cynical, and Lizardman the Lizardman. His goal was within his grasp. Yet the fabrics of history were about to change, and the randomness of this story shall continue, but with dialogue this time! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2: DON'T EVER GET DRUNK……EVER**

Nightmare slept in that day. He had just settled down in a nice comfortable little home called Ostreihnsburg Castle. He had been looking for months for the right house, but his agent found him the best place to suit his interests: A nice warm hearth, and comfortable feeling, and a place to drag innocent people to a satanic altar and commit endless atrocities only for pure enjoyment and for the search for peanuts. It was about 9:30 when Nightmare got up. He rubbed his eyes, but accidentally poked himself with his mutated arm.

"Damn arm…..too big to do OH MY GOD!" Nightmare looked and saw another person in his bed! He was big, brawly, and worst of all: _Half naked!_ Nightmare stumbled out of his bed, and stared at the mysterious stranger that was just about to wake up.

"Who—who are you?" Nightmare asked as the fleshy terror looked at him. "Why—are you in my bed?"

The thing growled, "WORMS!"

Nightmare stared at him. "You're name's……worms?"

"WORMS!" the thing repeated.

Nightmare stared in horror. How could this happen? He didn't remember meeting this guy. He might have gotten drunk, and met this guy, and…..

"No," Nightmare said, shaking his head. "This story is rated Teen, and it's going to stay that way."

Nightmare approached the golem. The monster had a collar. It said,

FYGUL CEMESTUS PET SHOP

NAME: ASTAROTH

ID: 2001567

OWNER: BARTHOLOMEW SKIPPER KUNPAETKU

AKA "DIANA"

"Well, it seems you are a golem owned by a transvestite," Nightmare said. Astaroth answered, saying "WORMS!"

"Can't you say anything else?" Nightmare asked.

"It will rain blood today! WORMS!" Astaroth answered.

Nightmare paced, wondering what to do. The right thing to do would to return the golem to its rightful owner. Yet he was big, and could be used as a meat shield for Nightmare's premature undeveloped body.

"I should consult Soul Edge," Nightmare said.

Nightmare opened up his desk and found a pink box with a picture of Strawberry Shortcake on it. There was a voice identification device that required a password. The device said, "Please enter password."

Nightmare said, "My Little Pony."

The box was unlocked, and Nightmare opened it. Inside was a huge sword with a creepy bulging eye in the center. Nightmare asked, "Soul Edge, I woke up to find a big golem in my bed. What should I do with him?"

Soul Edge said, "Kill them all! Blood! Torment! Rape! Destruction! Souls!"

"So what you're saying is……no, I have absolutely no idea what you're saying," Nightmare said.

"Murder! Obliteration! Damnation! Kill them all! Kill all that you see!"

"I've got it! I'll use him as my crony, give him a year's worth of salary, and let him become a famous character in a best selling fighting game! YES! The quest for pizza shall continue! Er, I mean peanuts," Nightmare said, blushing.

"Endless atrocities! Squeeze the life out of everyone in the most painful way possible! Cannibalism! Torture! Mass extinction of the……" Nightmare closed the box, shutting the cursed sword from talking at the moment. Nightmare went to Astaroth and said, "Alright, since there's nothing else to do with you, I'm just going to have to use you as a slave and cohort. Therefore," Nightmare took out a beautifully adorned sword, "I hereby dub you Sir Astaroth…….The Wise," Nightmare said reluctantly, staring at Astaroth's drooling face.

"WORMS!" Astaroth said who then took a bite out of the sword. Nightmare casually threw the sword away. "So, uh, Astaroth, do you have a weapon?"

Astaroth dumbly pointed to a huge axe lying next to the bed.

"Aha. Let's have a look here," Nightmare inspected the axe, which said,

FYGUL CEMESTUS TOY MANUFACTURING

ARES, GOD OF WAR WEAPONRY

WAL-MART

THE AXE OF ASTAROTH, KULUTES

"Well, it's big, that's for sure," Nightmare said. "So be it. With your axe and my blade, we shall fight for truth and justice, bringing peace to the land!" Nightmare puffed out his chest.

"I thought we were fighting for souls and peanuts," Astaroth said.

"Whoa, you can actually talk?" Nightmare asked, lightening up.

"WORMS!" Astaroth grunted.

"Well, _that_ didn't last long. Oh well. Say, who are you?" Nightmare said to the newcomer.

"I'm Pac-man. Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka" It said, running around the room eating apparently little glowing dots that just happened to appeared in the room. Soon after it, four ghosts appeared and chased Pac-man, cornering him and killing him. There was a message floating in the air saying "Game Over" and the ghosts disappeared.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooookay," Nightmare said, a little disturbed. "That was entirely weird and random. However, crossovers can be common, especially with characters made by the same company. Well, Astaroth, it's just you and me now. Today we can go for a stroll and maybe make gingerbread houses!" Nightmare took Astaroth by the hand and skipped out the door.

As Astaroth was led out, he noticed something written on his hand. It said, "Astaroth—bring Soul Edge to me and get a cookie—Kunpaetku."

"Cookie…….." Astaroth mumbled to himself.

"What was that?" Nightmare asked.

"Er, uh, WORMS!" Astaroth yelled.

Can and will Nightmare find out about Astaroth's plot to steal Soul Edge right under his nose? Of course not! Nightmare's a complete and total dumbass! And who else will we find out wants Nightmare's precious yet disturbing sword of legend? Only time, patience, and peanuts will tell! Stay tuned for scenes from the next General Hospital!

Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story, I mean.


	3. Not Chapter 1 or 2

**CHAPTER 3: IVY IS SUCH A COOLER NAME**

Nightmare and Astaroth had vowed that they wouldn't rest until Soul Edge was strong enough to obtain peanuts. Their progress was slow at first.

"I would go out on a raid, Astaroth, but the ice cream man is outside!"

They came on many close times to achieving their goal,

"Astaroth, I really don't think killing this Archduke Franz Fernadand guy is going to have a lot of people killed. I mean it's only one guy. Who's going to get upset about it?"

"WORMS!"

They were about to give up all hope, when fate gave them inspiration: On the Jerry Springer Show!

Nightmare was sipping on a beer, in his underwear, flipping channels. Astaroth was eating a slice of pizza. "Well, my dear Astaroth, I guess we won't get those peanuts after all," Nightmare said gloomily. He suddenly came on the Jerry Springer Show. There was a scantily clad woman sitting on a chair next to Springer, as well as a pale looking pirate. Nightmare stopped dead, mesmerized by this woman.

"Damn, don't these women ever wear actual clothes?" Nightmare asked blankly.

"It will rain blood today!" Astaroth grunted.

They both watched the show. Springer said, "So, Isabella, can you tell us what you feel in your father?"

"He abused me as a child. He never took care of me. He spent late nights at the ship, waiting a challenge from mortal humans. He's just……dead to me. He never really loved me."

Jerry nodded and looked to the grimacing pirate. He said, "What's your response to that, Cervantes?"

Cervantes answered, "Isabella has also shown signs of rebellion. She never did what I said, and even tried to change the name that her own father gave to her. She always wants to be called "Ivy." I mean, look how she's dressed right now! Do you think a father would want to see his daughter in that kind of an outfit?"

"You helped kill my father!" Ivy yelled.

"I _am_ your father!" Cervantes snarled.

"You never were my father. Mr. Valentine took care of me. _He_ was my father."

"Sure he was. It's like you and that boyfriend that you had, "Twist" or whatever his name was. And how many times was he thrown in jail? Was it twenty or thirty?"

"Why, you (censored for too much naughtiness) jackass! I'll kill you!"

"Come back to me, my child!" Cervantes said, drawing swords.

"Silence, I can change my own destiny!"

Jerry Springer stood up. "Now wait, wait, wait, wait! Let's not get violent here……again! I still haven't paid for that man's hospital bill last week! STOP!" Big burly security guards came to stop the fight, but lights fell from the stage and the studio began to fall apart. People were fleeing, screaming out the collapsing studio. Jerry Springer whimpered and ran out the door. The studio went up in an atomic explosion.

"This woman…..she could be mine….I mean, she could be our hope!" Nightmare said, jumping off the couch and rushing out the door. Astaroth drooled and rushed after him.

They appeared at the wreckage, where Ivy and Cervantes were still fighting. Dramatic, Soul Calibur II Destined Battle music could be heard in the background. Cervantes, realizing he was being overwhelmed, and the fact that he was being beat up by a girl, fled from his foe. Ivy screamed like Xena. "Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya!"

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled. Ivy stopped and looked at them.

"Who the hell are you guys?"

"I am Nightmare, wielder of So….ysauce," Nightmare said. Telling her that he had Soul Edge would probably not be a good idea, especially since Ivy had just gotten into a fight with her father, the previous owner of Soul Edge.

"Aha. And can you tell me why you don't have pants on?" Ivy said, pointing towards Nightmare's bare legs.

"Oho, that. I'm…..single," Nightmare answered.

"Ah. Who's the stud?" Ivy said, smirking at an uninterested Astaroth.

"That's my golem, Astaroth. He doesn't speak much." Nightmare said, lowering his eyebrows. That wasn't a good start.

"I like the silent type," Ivy said, staring at Astaroth.

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled randomly.

"We're on a search……for peanuts," Nightmare said. "And if you help us kill as many people as possible to find peanuts, we can help you."

"In what way?" Ivy said. "That's kind of a strange offer."

"Uhhhhhh, hold on a second," Nightmare said. He grabbed Astaroth and they huddled.

"What should we offer this woman?" Nightmare whispered.

"Offer her the gift of life to her blade," Astaroth answered quietly.

"That's a good idea. Thank you, pal," the azure knight replied.

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled aloud.

"Team!" Nightmare said, clapping his hands and ending the huddle. "So, in exchange for you helping us kill innocent lives, we will let your sword move on its own without you having to bear with uncontrollability."

Ivy said without a beat, "Done and done." She spit on her hand and held it out to shake it. Nightmare shook with his larger hand.

"You're kind of crushing my palm," Ivy said as Nightmare squeezed on her hand with his mutated arm.

"Oh, heh, sorry." Nightmare let go. Ivy gave a slight scowl to him. She then turned to Astaroth and said, "Nice meeting you, handsome."

"It will rain blood today!" Astaroth replied.

"You bet it will," Ivy said, grinning.

"Alright, alright, you're making me sick!" Nightmare said, stopping her. "Let's keep the dialogue Teen rated, okay! This story is meant for TEENS! They've got sick twisted minds already!" The knight said. "Let's get this over with," Nightmare groaned. Ivy held out her whip blade, lifeless at the moment.

"I will need a volunteer from the audience," Nightmare said.

"Oooh! Me!" Some kid with a lisp said.

"No, Homestar, you volunteered before!" Nightmare interjected. "How about you? What's your name?"

"Tom Opfer," the young man said.

"Mr. Opfer, in order for me to fully do this ceremony, you're going to have to take this whip blade and impale it through your heart. Understand?"

The man screamed and ran away, ultimately falling off a cliff. "Oh come on, I was just joking! You only need to hold the stupid sword! Ugh," Nightmare groaned. "Alright, Homestar, come up," the knight said.

"Awright," the famous internet cartoon character said. He ran up and held the blade out. Nightmare whirled his hands, rolled his head, shook his hips, and snapped three times in the air."

"Girl power!" Nightmare said, and there was a puff of smoke. The sword moved on its own. The blade said,

"Uhuhu, bonjour!"

"Oh God, it's French," Ivy groaned.

"You're British, aren't you?" Nightmare asked.

"English woman? You smelly lady! I have no dealings with some British girl! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of….." Ivy gloomily walked with Nightmare and Astaroth to Ostreihnsburg Castle as the French sword taunted on and on. For a second, they felt as though it was going to catapult a cow on them. Little did they know a new terror stalked behind them! Could Nightmare ever get his peanuts? Will Astaroth be able to get Soul Edge? Will Ivy ever get to terms with her father? Will the Ivy blade ever SHUT UP? And who is this new shadowy character? None know except those who have already played Soul Calibur! And if you're reading this, you probably have! Tune in for more Nightmare, more sunshine, and most of all, more WORMS!


	4. Still not Chapter 1 or 2

**CHAPTER 4: NEVER ASK THIS TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND**

Nightmare woke up to a bright, full day. He stretched out his regular arm, moved a little bit, and then stretched his mutated arm (he didn't want his bigger arm to smash the porcelain chicken…..again). He got out of bed, stretched his legs, and looked up to wake up the brute on the top bunk.

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead!" Nightmare cooed. Astaroth rolled out of bed. Unfortunately, he did not nor has he ever realized that he was on the top bunk, and fell down, crashing upon Nightmare

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled as he plummeted down on Nightmare's back.

"You popped…..my spleen……" Nightmare squealed underneath Astaroth's immense weight.

They went downstairs into the Main Hall. Nightmare sat next to an old corpse officially labeled Bob the Joke Teller. He was a skeleton with his head in an old smelly bowl of cereal with a knife, a sword, an axe, a pike, a rapier, and several butcher knives lodged in his skull. Legend was that he was the one who invented yo momma jokes, which were a big hit, but told them frequently. Nightmare poured a bowl of Lucky Charms into his bowl.

"They're magically delicious!" Nightmare said warmly. He poured it in with milk and began eating. With his mouth full, he began talking to Astaroth about his plan for the day.

"I've mapped out the entire course of the day. First we'll go to Sweden……then to Algeria……from there we go to Spain…….across the whole Western Europe until we come back to Ostreihnsburg Castle. By that time, we'll have found the right ingredients for my Yummy Fudgy Cookies!"

"Cookies? COOKIES?" A voice screamed from upstairs. Ivy stomped down the stairs in a bathrobe, snarling like a jaguar at Nightmare. "We're supposed to be killing people, not making delicious sweets!"

Nightmare stared at her. "But……..they're fudgy……."

"You moron! We have to ride out and kill several people by night time comes! That's what our agreement was! We kill people, and you make my sword talk! Which I'm not very impressed with….."

"You filthy Englishwoman! Stop throwing the leftovers of your midnight snacks all over the floor, you silly glutton!" A faint voice called from upstairs.

"_I'll murder that overgrown metal toothpick,_" Ivy snarled. Astaroth was casually poking his eye with the cereal spoon, his actual cereal ignored. Nightmare spoke up.

"Ivy," he said, looking her straight in the eye, "Are you sure you're not having one of your lady days?"

Ivy just lost it. She leapt over the table and tackled Nightmare, intensely throttling him by the throat. She did her best for her nails to sink in to Nightmare's skin. Nightmare screamed like a little girl, throwing both his hands up. His large mutated arm, when it moved, knocked Ivy into the table. She screamed like a banshee and went straight at Nightmare again. Nightmare ran away, and Ivy grabbed a butcher knife from Bob's head, chasing him around the fallen table.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!" Ivy did the Xena cry. She turned the table over again and went after Nightmare, butcher knife flailing. Nightmare was too fast for her, so she threw it at him. Nightmare went for the door, stopped dead when the knife barely missed his head, cutting through the wood of the door. Nightmare backed up against the wall, staring into the fiery eyes of Ivy, who grabbed a giant battle axe from the wall. She screamed and went straight at him. Nightmare gasped and ran away. Ivy went straight through the door, slicing the door in half. Still holding the axe, she chased after Nightmare.

Nightmare continuously ran, but tripped and fell. Ivy was on top of him. She put her foot to his throat and pressed down insanely hard. Nightmare was grasping the foot, losing air quickly. She dropped the axe and took out the mace, spraying his eyes. Nightmare screamed in agony.

"Jackass!" Ivy said, spitting on him. She walked away. When she saw Astaroth, she said, "How's it going, handsome?" and walked upstairs.

Nightmare got up, rubbing his eyes. "It burns! It burns me!" He went for the faucet, but accidently went to the frying pan, still hot. He opened his eyes as wide as he could and dunked his head into the searing hot frying pan.

"OH MY GOD! THE AGONY! AUUUUUUUGH!" He clamped onto his eyes and crashed into the pantry, cans falling on top of him. He tried his best to look up, but a rather hard can fell on his eyes as well.

"DEAR LORD OF HEAVEN AND EARTH! END MY LIFE NOW! WAAAAAAAH!" Nightmare stumbled out of the pantry, accidentely turned on the TV, and saw Michael Moore on the news.

"ALL OF CREATION! IT HURTS REALLY, REALLY BADLY!" His eyes could only take so much. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Nightmare opened his eyes fully, now completely healed. "I'll get it," he said to his two companions.

Nightmare, Astaroth, and Ivy walked to the door. Nightmare opened it. Outside was a lizard standing on two legs with a traveling hat and a coat. When he noticed the door was opened, he jumped with a start and held up his hand, staring at it and not looking at the three villains.

"(To be said with growls)—oh right. My name is Aeon Calcos. Everyone calls me Lizardman. (Hold out hand to shake)—oh yeah. I am a (pronounced wier)—ah, damn, 'for—ey—in exchange stoodent from Greez' Did I pronounce that right? Okay. Um, I ask you to allow me to become a guest in your house for a short while, (step inside hou--) God, I keep doing that, and live here for at least three…..three…..yearns? yours? Gosh, his handwriting's atrocious, um……"

Nightmare answered him. "Years?"

Lizardman walked over to him and showed him the writing on his hand. "Yeah, that's right, years, right before "stab Nightmare in the back when he's not looking and give Soul Edge to me."

"Oh, thank you. And live here for at least three 'years'." He then proceeded to take a knife out, and said, "Hey, what's that over there?"

"Now wait just a minute!" Ivy said, holding Nightmare so he wouldn't look behind him. "That little speech could seem normal to an everyday person, but it seemed just slightly suspicious to me! Are you sure you are who you say you are?"

"Can you prove that I'm not?" Lizardman said.

"Well, um, no," Ivy said.

"So can I come in? My, um," He switched hands with his suitcase and looked at the other one, "Dishwasher's coming after me."

"Welcome to your new home, Lizardman," Nightmare said. Lizardman dropped his suitcase in Astaroth's hands. "Take this up to my suite, will you, good boy?" Astaroth grunted and walked upstairs. He dropped the suitcase on Nightmare's bunk. It broke the bed. The suitcase flung open, and there was a note addressed to Astaroth. It said,

"Astaroth—Lizardman has come to help you. Here are the directions to my nightclub. Meet me at 10:00 tonight. Make sure Nightmare doesn't see this.

Oh, and I'll be going by the name Diana at work. Remember that. –Kunpaetku"

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled. He stomped downstairs. Astaroth really couldn't read that much, except when I made him in Chapter 2. That's because I'm the author, and I don't have to use continuity if I don't want to. So there. Anyways, getting back on track, Astaroth went outside and saw a robin fly across the trail.

"giraffe….." Astaroth mumbled, and followed the bird down the trail. He spent hours doing so, and the other three were unaware, and probably grateful, that he was gone. But suddenly, there was a herd of wildebeests flying from a giant earthquake! Astaroth tried his best to resist the force of the oncoming cattle, but there was a nuclear explosion, sending him flying! Then, a lightning bolt struck him, sending him down! A flock of albino pheasants bumped into him mid-air, causing him to be knocked to the ground, and Astaroth was unconscious for hours.

When Astaroth woke up, it was very dark outside. He checked his watch to see what time it was. It said "10:00". He looked up, and he saw that he was in front of a building labeled "The Sweet Coconut". He got up, and walked in.

What hidden dangers will Astaroth meet in this mysterious nightclub? More importantly, will he even care? Will Ivy ever be able to get medication for her over reactive PMS? Will Nightmare get enough ingredients to bake his Fudgy Cookies? Will Lizardman ever stop being so obvious? Will anyone remember what they're actually supposed to be doing? Will I be able to finish the questions without running out of oxygen? Will I……cough wheeze hack croak die


	5. Wik

**CHAPTER 5: NYQUIL TASTES HORRIBLE**

Astaroth was apart from the crowd who went to this nightclub. He was bigger, meaner, and over all, not the type for this particular nightclub. I hope you know what I mean. Oh yeah, how did I survive suffocation last chapter? Easy: Tobasco sauce. Don't believe me? You don't have to.

Some weird thing with a sac of skin for a mouth started making weird noises towards Astaroth. Astaroth completely ignored him, but another guy with a pig nose came up and said,

"He doesn't like you."

"WORMS!" Astaroth said, spitting all over the man.

"I don't like you either. We're wanted men. I've got the death sentence in 10 systems," the pig nosed man said.

"It will rain blood today!" Astaroth responded.

"YOU'LL BE DEAD!"

"Settle down, my friend. Let me buy you a drink," Obi-Wan said next to Astaroth. The pig nosed man drew a gun, but Obi-Wan chopped his arm off with a lightsaber. Astaroth stared at Obi-Wan for a few seconds. Obi-Wan said,

"Oh, I thought he was talking to me. Never mind." The Jedi went back to his drink.

"Astaroth! Astaroth! Astaroth!" A man said, rushing through the crowd over to the golem. The small man led Astaroth out the door. "If you looked at the back of the note, it said I worked at Fudruckers down the street. Now hurry up! I have much to talk to you about."

Kunpaetku walked with Astaroth down the dark street. He said to his servant, "I trust you to find me the legendary Soul Edge. You have gotten far enough that you found it. But my spies tell me that it is weakened. It needs souls. I need you to strengthen the blade by helping it devour souls."

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled.

"But my servant Lizardman tells me via IM that its wielder may be a hindrance to this. He says that the wielder of Soul Edge is a total dunce. A simple dumbass. A incompetent fool. I need you to encourage him to actually start killing people. I will not let some blundering German and his idiotic procrastination ruin my plans to get Soul Edge. Oh, and don't tell Ares I said that," Kunpaetku said quickly, looking around. "Excellent. Give me this mighty gift, and I will make you a king! And a cookie! No, TWO cookies! Because you are my darling little golem!" Kunpaetku patted Astaroth on the head. "Now go!" Astaroth obediently stomped over to Ostreihnsburg Castle.

Nightmare, on the other hand, was defying the technology of the 16th century YET AGAIN and was typing on his laptop. Ivy looked over his shoulder and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I've gotten a cold recently, and I'm sending an e-mail to the makers of Nyquil about their product."

"Oh, are you thanking them because it helped you lose it?" Ivy asked.

"Sort of," Nightmare said. He typed this in his e-mail:

HEY—

NYQUIL SUCKS!

YOU GUYS MAKE THE WORST TASTING SHIT I HAVE EVER HAD

BURN IN HELL

"Um, that's not similar to anything complimentary at all," Ivy commented.

"Oh, and what do you know?" Nightmare said, sending the e-mail.

Suddenly, the door crashed open. Astaroth stood their like a large statue in the rain. He stomped over to Nightmare. Nightmare waved at him.

"Hey, Astaroth. How's it going big guy? You know, you can stop right there. You don't have to come that close. Is something wrong? What are you doing? G—get away! AAAAHHHH!"

Astaroth grabbed Nightmare from his seat and dragged him out the castle. Nightmare continually screamed until he passed out. Astaroth found a man walking along the road. Astaroth went to the man, and dropped Nightmare next to him. Kill him. Nightmare was motionless. He was passed out.

"WORMS!" Astaroth grabbed Nightmare and continually slapped him on the face until his woke up. Astaroth pointed to the man, who was completely disturbed by this chain of events. Nightmare was as well. Then, Astaroth noticed something. His hand was empty. Soul Edge wasn't there. He needed Soul Edge. Astaroth grabbed Nightmare again and dragged him back to the castle.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Nightmare screamed all the way back to the castle. The man was completely confused and disturbed. Astaroth dragged Nightmare up the steps to the pink box. The golem repeatedly smashed it until it opened. Inside was Soul Edge.

"Burn! Die! Torture! Destruction! Chaos! Mayhem!" Astaroth took Soul Edge and stuck it in Nightmare's hand. He then dragged Nightmare back to the spot where the man was. He dropped Nightmare back on the ground.

The man wasn't there anymore.

"Poo," Astaroth said silently. Astaroth then dragged Nightmare back to the castle, up the stairs, put the sword away, and put Nightmare back in his seat.

"My face….my face! It's all scraped!" Nightmare covered his face with his hands.

"You barely have a face! It's covered in that stupid helmet!" Ivy said, pointing to Nightmare's armor.

"Shut up. Go talk to you sword," Nightmare said. Ivy grunted and walked away.

Meanwhile, in a corporate building…….

"We're here at this press conference because we received another hate-mail today," The President of Nyquil said.

"Another? This is irritating! Our medicine doesn't taste _that_ bad! I mean, sure, we had a lawsuit filed against us because a child died but that was an accident! What does it say?"

"It says, 'Hey—Nyquil sucks! This is the worst tasting shit I have ever had! Burn in hell.'"

"Gee, that's harsh," one man said.

"What are we going to do about this?" another asked.

"We'll stop this at the source. I know people in the mountains who can help us. If we can get them to kill this man. Who is it, Marcy?"

"It's Greg, sir," the man at the computer said. "My name's Greg. Anyways, it says here that the e-mailer's name is Siegfried "Nightmare" Schtaufften, an aspiring mass murderer. He lives with a golem, a woman, and a human lizard. Likes suspenders and is constantly searching for peanuts. Wields the legendary sword……SOUL EDGE?"

"Soul Edge!" the president squealed. "How can we deal with that power? What else, Marcy?"

"Greg, sir, and that he's a completely incompetent retard. Which cancels out the power of Soul Edge, sir."

"Excellent. We can tell my friends in the mountains that it is their destiny to destroy the wicked blade Soul Edge. Then, Nyquil shall reign supreme! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Sir, there's a call coming from 'Ling Shen Su Temple'."

"Hey, those are my friends! Bring it here!" The messenger gave the president the phone. All the president heard were insane yells and the repeated sound of "killkillkillkillkill". Suddenly, there was a sound of a scuffle, and an old voice answered the phone. "Yo."

"Edge Master! Howz it goin', home dawg?"

"Don't ever do that. Anyways, I just got here to find everyone killing each other. What do you need?"

"Well, this guy keeps on hate mailing us, and we want you guys to stop them."

"Hey, I just got the perfect man to do it! I hope he's not dead…..let me check…..nope, he's not dead, just unconscious and severely bleeding. I'll go tell him when he wakes up. Anything else?"

"Nope. Oh, and when he wakes up, tell him that this guy is really evil and that it's his destiny to defeat him."

"Gotcha. Later." Edge Master hung up the phone. Everyone began rubbing their hands together.

"Yes, soon, Nyquil shall take over the world," the president said. In unison, everyone threw back their heads and laughed maniacally. "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Will the evil Nyquil Company succeed in their evil plot? Will Kilik come out of his coma? Will the evil Nyquil Company succeed in their evil plot? Will Astaroth and Lizardman get Nightmare to devour souls just so they can betray him and take his blade? Will the evil Nyquil Company succeed in their evil plot? Will the evil Nyquil Company succeed in their evil plot? Find out on the next climactic and exciting chapter of Nightmare's Happy Sunshin Story!

Nightmare's Hoppy Sunshine Story!

Nigtemar's Hepie Sonchin Stry!

Oh well. You get the idea.


	6. Also Wik

**CHAPTER 6: THE SIXTH CHAPTER**

Nightmare was casually going about his business. He had one arm on the toilet paper…..well; we don't have to go much further than that. But while he went through his…..business in ignorant bliss, he did not know that he was being watched.

For miles above him in distant space, a spy satellite hovered, watching his every move. This satellite sent radio signals to the Nyquil Company Building and transmitted a video of the azure's knights every move. The Nyquil President studied his foe carefully. How could he defeat him…..how he could destroy him……..I'm itchy…….France is smelly…….how he could trick him…….

Greg came in. "What is it, Marcy?"

"My name's Greg, sir," he said casually. "Edge Master says that Kilik is on the move. He will reach Ostreihnsburg Castle in about a month."

"Excellent. Yes, that's just grand." The Nyquil President began rubbing his hands together. "I like rubbing my hands together," he said.

"Me too, sir," Greg said.

"You're not allowed! You're not an evil genius like me!" Nyquil President said.

Greg left Nyquil President to his office. Soon, he shall be ready for world domination. He must first destroy Nightmare. But how…….

Nightmare suddenly left the bathroom. Catching Nyquil President's attention, the camera followed Nightmare to the pantry. Nightmare groaned. He left the pantry and approached a rather large golem.

"Astaroth, we're out of canned foods," Nightmare said. "And we're low on milk. Wait a minute before I make a grocery list. Can you go get some stuff at the store? I think there's a Costco all the way in India."

"WORMS!" Astaroth said.

"God, does this guy say anything else?" Nyquil President said back in his office.

"WORMS!" Astaroth said, looking at the camera.

"Anyways, I'm sending Lizardman with you. He really won't help you, but he really creeps Ivy out for some reason."

Nyquil President smiled. If he could direct Kilik to India, perhaps then there can be a disturbance that could affect Nightmare…..yes…….

Lizardman was checking the grocery list as they sailed through the waters. "Lessee……milk…..cereal…….apples…..stamps……how much money do you have, Astaroth?"

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled.

"you have 20? I have 15," Lizardman said. "Hey guys, do you have any money? Nightmare forgot to give us some for the store."

They all put their money together. Then Lizardman did a man count. "Popeye?"

"Ay," Popeye said.

"Strong Bad?"

"Let me finish this e-mail!" Strong Bad yelled in the cabin.

"Random assort of strange monsters and horrible demons?"

"Here!" All of Congress yelled.

"Astaroth?"

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled.

"Looks like we've got everyone. Wait, we forgot one person. Where's Lizardman?" Lizardman yelled.

Everyone was silent.

"Gosh, we may have forgotten him. Oh well. It looks like we're here!"

They landed ashore. Astaroth noticed another ship, and two guys on it. One guy looked like Elvis Presley and had nunchakus. Another had a long staff. On the table were several small glasses and a bottle. The two were laughing uncontrollably.

"Alright, alright. I got one. What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a garden snake?" Maxi asked.

"Teehee, what?" Kilik giggled.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" They both laughed in hysterics. Maxi didn't even tell the answer to the joke. They were too drunk. They both filled up their shot glasses and drank some more.

Astaroth studied this. They seemed to be having a good time. Plus, they were drinking an alcoholic beverage. Astaroth, sticking to strict abstinence for most of his life, had never tasted alcohol. That and he was only 3. If he might try such a beverage, he might learn what the side affects were.

Just look at these two. They laugh at the most random things. They fell down giggling when a bird flew past. Never had Astaroth seen such joy. He decided that if he were to feel such bliss, he would have to sample some of this drink these two gentlemen were sharing with each other.

"WORMS!" He yelled. He trudged over to the ship where Maxi and Kilik were drinking. The other monsters followed. A couple of muscular men walked into there way, stopping and staring at them.

"Why are such strange people like you approaching the captain of the ship so armed?" The one in the middle said.

Lizardman stepped forward. "We want to talk to him about……ah, shit. We just want to try his booze," he said.

"Well, he and his new friend are currently busy right now. Go away."

"You will let us in, or we will kill you!" Lizardman said, drawing his sword.

NOTE: The following dialogue involves inappropriate language not suitable for younger audiences. If you are offended by such dialogue, you are not required to read any further. If you are part of a younger audience, you too do not have to read any further. It is suggested that younger viewers are not shown the following dialogue. Viewer discretion is advised.

"Oh yeah? Well you're a big poopyhead!" The pirate said.

NOTE: We thank you for your cooperation. If you were offended by the previous dialogue, we have our upmost apologies. We are glad to inform you that it is safe now to show younger viewers. We now return you to the story without further notice.

"You insolent jackass!" One of the monsters said.

"You dirty piece of shit!" Another pirate yelled.

"Your momma's so ugly, the filmed _Gorillas in the Mist_ in her shower!"

"Are those your ears, or did flying saucers crash into the sides of your head?"

The quarrel went further. They started pushing, and they talked trash to one another. Finally, Lizardman tripped and his sword flew straight into a pirate's throat. Maxi suddenly stopped drinking, and watched as the pirate fell down, dead.

"Oops," Lizardman said.

"You killed my brother!" Maxi slurred.

"Actually, Maxi, I'm your brother, remember?" Another pirate told Maxi.

Astaroth, thinking nothing rational, swung his axe and bloodily murdered the pirate who just spoke.

_You _killed my brother!" Maxi yelled.

"Astaroth, what the hell were you thinking?" Lizardman gasped.

Absolutely nothing. He was, in fact, mesmerized by Kilik's beautifully adorned jewelry he hung around himself. It had perfect symmetrical design and a neat sparkle to it. Astaroth needed to see it. A huge skirmish followed, and Astaroth brushed past it all towards Maxi and Kilik. Maxi jumped at him, harmlessly wacking him with his nunchakus.

"You bastard! You killed my brother! I'll kill you!"

Astaroth completely ignored him and grabbed the mirror from Kilik to look at it.

"Whoa—what are you doing? GRAAAAWR!" Kilik's eyes suddenly turned red! He attacked Maxi and started to rip him apart! Astaroth noticed that it was only plastic, so he grunted and dropped it on the floor. By then, the monsters had already slaughtered the crew. They got their groceries and left. When Maxi just barely put Kilik's mirror back on, he swore revenge on Astaroth.

"I will kill Astaroth…..he ruined my life……he killed my family…….I shall have my revenge!" He grabbed Kilik and dragged him off the ship. Maxi's brother began to stir.

"Hey, Maxi…….I am not dead……I'm just bleeding…..bleeding a lot…..quick, help me, before the vultures come…….." He continued moaning, but nobody heard him. "I must live on!" He started crawling out of the wreckage.

Will Astaroth get back with the groceries in time for dinner? Will Maxi get his revenge on the monstrous golem? Will Maxi's brother survive his terrible wounds? Will Nyquil President defeat Nightmare and take over the world? Will the gang actually remember what they were doing in the first place?

I don't know. That's why I was asking you. I seriously don't know. Stop staring at me. Weirdo.


	7. Also Also Wik

**CHAPTER 7: CONGRATULATIONS**

Good evening, everyone, you're reading the seventh chapter of my story, Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story. I congratulate you for getting this far without having your cerebellum snap and you go completely insane as you bleed internally and die. To reward you for your survival, I have created a small skit for you, unrelated to the original concept!

SMOOCH-SMOOCH MEETS NECRID

Smooch-smooch was a good guy. He had a bubbly personality and liked to talk about crickets. One day, he met a guy named Necrid. Necrid was green, but that didn't stop Smooch-smooch from talking non-stop about crickets.

One day, Necrid got fed up with it and planned to stop it. When Smooch-smooch came to talk to Necrid, Necrid lunged at Smooch-smooch and bit him severely in the jugular. Smooch-smooch began to bleed intensely, but did that stop Necrid? No, Necrid clawed at his face while dipping his body over and over again in acid. He then left the rotting carcass in a desert for mutated crickets to devour. How ironic. Then, Necrid put a big smile on his face and skipped through the flowers, and everyone joined him in his happiness!

…….except for Smooch-smooch.

Wasn't that a fun little story? Now, back to the original plot!

Nightmare was searching the menu screen on his Direct TV television. He was continually searching for a good show. Finally, he came across the Jerry Springer Show.

"Hey, didn't you completely destroy that entire place, Ivy?" He asked to Ivy as she passed by.

"I…..think so. I thought Springer was hospitalized by my spat with my father," She said, leaning over to watch the show. Nightmare saw a dirty chance, and looked out of the corner of his eye as Ivy leaned from behind the couch. He slowly looked over, but Ivy slapped him in the face, and Nightmare was forced to only watch the television.

"Due to some difficulties with the original host," an announcer said. He was hard to hear because of the construction going on to rebuilt the studio. "We are unable to bring Jerry Springer to host the show. However, we do have a substitute. Please, give it up for Soul Edge!"

Nightmare quickly glanced at his box, opened wide. It was gone. He saw on the TV a creepy demonic sword piercing the ground, its bulging eye looking at the entire audience.

"That's my….." He glanced at Ivy, who glared at the blade on television. "Bag of chips," he said, nicely saving. He ran over to a bag of chips lying on the ground and nervously started eating from it. "I was looking for this an hour ago. I think Astaroth stole it. Hehe," he said, sweating. They watched the show.

"Soul Edge, my husband just won't listen to me. I try to get him to do some decent amount of work around the house, but all he does is yell at me. I don't know what to do." A woman pointed to her husband next to her, who pouted and rolled his eyes.

"Burn! Hatred! Lust! Terrorism! Sodomy!" Soul Edge growled.

There was a pause.

"Thanks, Soul Edge, you saved our marriage!" The woman said, and the two spouses hugged and kissed. The entire audience began to cry and they all stood up and clapped.

"He has such a way with words," Lizardman said. Ivy squealed when she realized that Lizardman was unnaturally close to her without her noticing. She jumped in her place.

"Lizardman! How long have you been here?" She asked.

"Oh, I've been following you pretty much the entire day. You don't have to know that _all_ the time," Lizardman said, grinning maliciously and walking away.

"_Oh my God,_" Ivy said, shaking all over. "If only I could grab my sword and….."

"I will not allow you to _touch_ mwa, si vou plet! You are filthy English woman! I do not deal with smelly hookers like you! Go away!" Ivy's sword yelled from across the room.

"If only I could have another sword," she grunted. She walked away. Nightmare paid no attention and continued flipping channels. He flipped on the cooking. Crap. He flipped on the sports. Crap. Suddenly, he flipped on the football. His spirits lightened up, and saw that it was the Cowboys. Shit.

"God, there's nothing on today!" Nightmare said. There was suddenly a news flash.

"We interrupt your program for a special announcement. Three people are walking towards Germany, one with a long staff, one with a jian, and Elvis Presley. There isn't much importance to this, but……yeah. We now return you to your program, already in progress."

"Three people, eh?" Nightmare said. "These may be the perfect sacrifices to strengthen Soul Edge. And we may be able to play Twister. It's so hard to do it with the others. Astaroth's too big, Lizardman doesn't know how to play, and Ivy's…..wait. It _is_ fun to play Twister with Ivy. And it's not really because she's good at it." He turned around. "Hey Ivy!"

"Not on your life, Nightmare," the azure knight heard. Oh well. He tried.

Suddenly, the window crashed! A giant Minotaur came in, wielding a serrated sword, howling like a maniac! Nightmare grabbed Soul Edge, who just happened to come back from his show, and the two dueled. The Minotaur repeatedly blocked Nightmare's savage attacks, and in turn countered them with the same ferocity. Nightmare punched him in the face. The Minotaur fell down, but rolled back up. The Minotaur grabbed Nightmare's TV and threw it at Nightmare, sending him back through the wall.

"You bastard! You broke my TV!" Nightmare yelled. He gave his war cry, slicing straight through the couch trying to kill the beast. Nightmare plunged his sword into the ground. With great strength, he lifted it back up, breaking apart the ground and sending large chunks of the earth straight at the Minotaur. The beast lunged at Nightmare, and they wrestled. Finally, Nightmare grabbed the Minotaur by the arm and plunged his demonic blade into the Minotaur's heart.

"I just wanted to return you your mail that was in my mailbox," the Minotaur squeaked. Nightmare released his blade, and the Minotaur died.

"Hey, I just killed a guy. Does that mean I get a soul?" Nightmare asked hopefully.

"No, Minotaurs aren't really people, so I don't think they have souls," Ivy said.

"Aw, crap," Nightmare said.

"I tried to teach Astaroth some new words," Ivy said.

"Oh, were you successful?" Nightmare asked.

"Well, almost. He can now say "squirm" and "scream". I wasn't able to teach him anything else."

Astaroth barged into the room. "Squirm! Scream! WORMS!" He said, smashing his axe on the floor.

"Delicious," Nightmare said, completely uninterested.

"Say, what is that sword you have anyway?" Ivy asked.

"Uh, nothing. Absolutely nothing. You see nothing. GO AWAY!" Nightmare cried. He hid Soul Edge back into its pink box. "That's my sword, and it's not Soul Edge. I repeat. Not Soul Edge. It's, um………the…..um…….the n00bhax0rz sword. Yeah. That's it."

"You can speak 1337?" Lizardman asked, appearing right next to Ivy once again.

"Oh sure. I-I0w$ 17 g01ng, n00b?"

"1m n07 n00b!" Lizardman said.

"y0u2 m0m!" Nightmare said.

"Stop…..speaking……Portugese!" Ivy yelled.

"Squirm! Scream! WORMS!" Astaroth yelled. "It will rain blood today!" He flexed his muscles.

"I'm fat," Michael Moore said.

"1ll #1ll u! 1ll pwn u n00b hax0rz!" Lizardman taunted.

"u $u k!" Nightmare said.

Ivy had enough. She grabbed her sword and wrapped it around Nightmare. She flipped him to the ground and then wrapped it around Lizardman's feet, catching him off balance as well.

"Stop speaking Danish or I will kill you all! I swear! God!"

"Stop speaking at all, uhuhu, or I will taunt you a second time!" Ivy's sword yelled.

Ivy apathetically dropper her sword. She screamed and ran upstairs.

"17$ u2 5ul7," Lizardman said.

"Alright, stop it. I've had enough," Nightmare said.

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled.

"Fine," Lizardman said.

"I'm still fat," Michael Moore said.

"Get the hell out of here!" Nightmare screamed. He grabbed his sword and impaled it through Moore's heart. He screamed and died.

"Wow! I think that's my first soul!" Nightmare said.

"Um, you know, I don't know how to break it to you, but um……" Lizardman interrupted.

"Gosh, why can't I find the people who actually have souls?" Nightmare cried.

Will Nightmare find actual human people to take souls from? Will Lizardman stop speaking Russian? Will Astaroth learn more words? Will Ivy's fears come true about Nightmare's mysterious blade? Will our heroes, or villains, meet the three adversaries, or protagonists, in a battle to end all battles? Find out on the next episode of Nightmare's Happy bas;odifja;s

Sorry, I sneezed.


	8. Let's try a holiday in Sweden this year

**CHAPTER 8: THE BATTLE BEGINS**

"Gee, Soul Edge's talk show is doing pretty well," Nightmare said, watching his blade's show. It had only been a few weeks, and the Soul Edge Show's ratings had gone off the charts. Billions of dollars were reaped by this gold mine of a show. Who knows? With this kind of money, Nightmare just might retire from the killing business and live in a nice resort at Aruba. He opened a bottle of beer, drank a little of it, and watched the show.

"Soul Edge, I need something to tell my brother. Can I tell him something?" Some guy asked.

"Kill! Death! Arson! Vampirism!" Soul Edge shrieked.

"Thank you. Billy Joe," the man said to the guy sitting in the chair next to Soul Edge, "I have a confession to make. I'm a lesbian."

"But…..you're a man."

"That's the other issue……"

"NOOOOO!" The brother yelled.

"Torture! Torment! Hatred! Blasphemy!" Soul Edge rumbled. It suddenly lifted off the ground and stabbed the lesbian woman. It then swung around and killed the brother. Then, it lunged into the crowd. In truth, a flaming being was holding the sword now, screaming and yelling and killing everything in sight.

"Oh my God! This is unexpected!" Nightmare screamed. "Normally it's the people killing everyone, not the host!" They could only watch a little more as Inferno jumped at the camera guy. There was a scream, and the camera dropped to the floor, shattered, and everything went black.

"Great. Not only has the entire studio for the Jerry Springer show been completely demolished, as well as everyone in it dead," Nightmare said, "It's gone off on a rampage. What am I going to do? I wish there was some way to save those people."

Ivy came down the stairs, and listened to those last few words. Wow. Nightmare's actually passionate. Out of all these monsters, even though Astaroth's a bit of a stud, Nightmare has a heart. Ivy walked down the stairs and approached Nightmare.

"Wow. I've never thought I would hear that from you," Ivy said. "I suddenly feel awfully attracted to you."

"Even with my armor completely obscuring my body, and my mutated hand?" Nightmare asked gleefully.

"Yes, it seems to bring out the man in you. Man, you look hot." Yes. This is it. This was a dream come true. He had failed and failed again, with all the stupid pick-up lines, coming in 2nd place to Astaroth, and he's finally got her.

_Yes! I'm finally gonna get la…._ he could barely finish his thought when he said, "Well, after wielding Soul Edge for so long, I guess my nicer side can get fleshed out."

Way to go, dumbass.

"Wait…….you were wielding what?" Ivy asked.

"Soul Edge. You know, the Sword of Legends, the Cursed Sword, a demonic living blade who must feast upon the souls of the innocent to survive. That's kind of why I was trying to kill a lot of people. Also, that's kind of why your sword is alive. It's got some of the power of Soul Edge."

"Well, that explains why it's French," Ivy said, almost trembling with anger.

"Did I say something wrong?" Nightmare asked.

Well, let's review. First, you said this.

"Well, after wielding Soul Edge for so long, I guess my nicer side can get fleshed out."

You see, your first mistake was that you told Ivy that you were in possession of Soul Edge. She wants to destroy Soul Edge. Soul Edge was what made her father evil. Now, let's continue.

"Soul Edge. You know, the Sword of Legends, the Cursed Sword, a demonic living blade who must feast upon the souls of the innocent to survive. That's kind of why I was trying to kill a lot of people. Also, that's kind of why your sword is alive. It's got some of the power of Soul Edge."

Now, you made three mistakes here. First, you emphasize basically the reason why Ivy should hate you and Soul Edge. Next, you tell her that you were lying to her and manipulating her to do this. Then, you tell her that Soul Edge was the reason her sword is alive, a fact that she very well detests. Tough luck, kids.

Take notes, guys. Never, ever lie or manipulate a woman you love, like, or lust. Also, don't tell her stuff she doesn't want to hear. She'll dump you immediately, just as Ivy is about to do to Romeo right now.

"You…….you have Soul Edge……you monster…..and to think, I was even thinking of……ugggh! I should kill you right now…….OH MY GOD!"

Lizardman arbitrarily appeared right next to her, scaring the living crap out of her. Emotionally distraught, she fled both of them, grabbing her sword. She ran out the room, screaming.

"What did I do? Come back! I'm still a virgin!" Nightmare yelled, dropping to his knees.

"You're still a virgin! HAH!" Lizardman exclaimed, pointing at the already defeated azure knight.

"We can't let her escape. She knows my secret. You know my other secret, but I wouldn't hurt a lizard. Astaroth!"

Astaroth lumbered into the room, roughly saluting.

"There's an extremely hot girl that's trying to escape the castle. Find her, and if she resists, kill her. Kill her until she's dead."

"WORMS!" With a dramatic dark chorus chanting in the background, Astaroth beheld his great axe and went after Ivy.

"Dammit! I almost got her, too!" Nightmare said.

Suddenly, the Red Alert signal went blaring. Nightmare and Lizardman looked at each other, and ran to the bookcase. Nightmare pulled one of the books, and the bookcase turned around, revealing a secret passageway. Nightmare and Lizardman grabbed the pole and dropped down into the Soul Calibur Cave. A screen showed Kilik, Maxi, and Xianghua running towards the castle.

"We've detected three intruders coming this way. They're heavily armed. We have to stop them."

"Get Astaroth. He'll confront them."

"But Nightmare, you just told Astaroth to capture and/or kill Ivy."

"Oh yeah. Well, let him get the memo anyway."

Lizardman suddenly seemed very worried. He said, "Excuse me." He ran out the Soul Calibur Cave and back into the castle. Curious, Nightmare followed him. He secretly followed Lizardman up the steps into his room. It was covered in Napoleon Dynamite posters. Unknowing of Nightmare spying on him, he opened the closet and dragged a little Native American boy out.

"We gotta split. Let's go."

"You've been keeping Indians in your closet?" Nightmare screamed.

"Um, no. He's….um…..Hispanic."

"Oh, ok. Never mind." Nightmare left the room and went downstairs.

"Ok. Now, grab your things and…..AAAAAAUGH!" Lizardman did not even finish the sentence when a big muscular guy with an axe came down upon him, chopping his head off. Lizardman fell down, dead.

"BANGOOOOOOOO!" Rock yelled, standing on top of the fallen monster.

"Um, dad, I'm right here. You don't need to shout," Bangoo said.

"Oh, right. Let's get out of here." They jumped out the window and were never seen again until Soul Calibur III. Nightmare went down the stairs and watched out the window very menacingly and very evil genius like. You know, where they stare out the window and see the good guys and wondering what they're going to do. That kind of stare out the window.

Ivy went into the courtyard. She was trapped. She backed up against the wall, and watched in fear as a great lumbering shadow advanced upon her. Astaroth raised his axe high……

Running towards the castle, three great warriors rushed to the end of all evil.

Somewhere in corporate America, an evil president of horribly tasting medicine watches the entire rendition, manipulating it as he goes.

Somewhere in a desert, Smooch-smooch continues to be dead. Thank God.

Will Ivy survive the terrible onslaught from Astaroth? Will Kilik, Xianghua, and Maxi ever reach Nightmare in time? Will Soul Edge ever come back into Nightmare's hands? Will the evil Nyquil President ever get to be in another chapter? Find out in the next climactic episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!

Or, in Spanish, Nightmaro's el Story de la Happy y sol!

Or, in French, Uhuhuhuhu!


	9. See the lovely lakes

**CHAPTER 9: THE BATTLE IS NOT BEGINNING BUT IT HASN'T ENDED…..SO…..IT'S…..HAPPENING?**

Ivy was trapped. Astaroth was just about to kill her. It was the end of the line.

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled. Suddenly, a golem came up to Astaroth and whispered something in his ear. Astaroth turned to the golem and said,

"By George, they've arrived? Drat, I have come so unprepared! I was just about to maul this young lady, and they come with a hustle and bustle! Well, cheerio, fine lady, I hope these golems will finish the job." Astaroth's voice suddenly changed into a high pitched voice with a British accent. Several clay golems grew from the ground, each with evil intent and a means to kill Ivy.

"Squirm! Scream! WORMS!" Astaroth grunted. He trudged out the courtyard.

Ivy was outnumbered. There was no hope of her surviving this encounter. These golems were huge, and there were at least 50 of them, fully armed to the teeth. There was no means to escape. She was done for. All the golems roared and lunged at Ivy. She closed her eyes and cowered.

Suddenly, a giant boulder fell down and destroyed them all. Ivy peeked out of her hands and saw a giant piece of rock in the courtyard, with clay splattered all over the place. High up in a balcony, two crudely created puppets laughed, hitting each other mindlessly with whoopee cushions and asparagus.

"Nice one, Biff," One of the puppets said in a stupid voice. "That was funny."

"I like throwing giant boulders at people," Biff said.

Down in the courtyard, a half alive man crawled towards Ivy. "Dying…….I'm dying……please…..help me……I'm the brother of Maxi. Can you…..please…..tell him I'm alive?"

"WHOOPS! MISSED ONE," Skippy said up in the balcony with unnecessary loudness.

"I'll get him," Biff gurgled. Down below, Ivy was tending to the man's wounds as 24 butcher knives, a mace, 78 serrated swords, 128 searing hot battle axes and 45 pikes landed straight at Maxi's brother. In seconds, Ivy stood before a clump of sharp metal weapons and a pool of blood gushing from it.

"Gee, that's……gory," Ivy said. She ran into the secret passageway. A faint voice could be heard from within the pile of weapons.

"_Still not dead,_" Maxi's brother croaked. "_I may be in unimaginable pain but I'm still alive! Why am I still alive? I want to die!_"

Kilik, Xianghua, and Maxi ran towards the castle. They were almost there.

"We're almost there!" Kilik said, stating the obvious.

Suddenly, they stopped dead. Seriously. They couldn't move. All three of them stepped into a pile of fresh dog crap. It stuck to their shoes and they were stuck. The perpetrator, Fido, laughed uncontrollably.

"Have fun with my canine shit! Hahahahahahahahaha!" Fido walked away.

"Why you……" Maxi growled. Astaroth approached them.

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled.

"You killed my brother!" Maxi yelled.

"WORMS!" Astaroth replied.

"You killed my brother!" Maxi yelled.

"WORMS!" Astaroth replied.

"You killed my brother!" Maxi yelled.

"WORMS!" Astaroth replied.

Kilik and Xianghua, meanwhile, got out of the dog feces and crept towards the castle.

"It's not like I don't want Maxi to be abandoned or get killed or get stuck alone in a pile of dog crap," Xianghua said, "But it would be pretty funny if all those happened at once."

We'll see what we can do, Xianghua. As Maxi and Astaroth traded jeers, Astaroth suddenly got bored and left. The crap that stuck to Maxi's shoes hardened and Maxi was completely stuck. Then, several snipers shot repeatedly at Astaroth. Astaroth fell down, dead.

Whoops. I kind of missed. Well, he's stuck and abandoned, so that's 2 out of 3.

Kilik and Xianghua burst through the castle. The place was swarming with evil monsters, yet they were no match for warriors like they. Both Kilik's staff and Xianghua's sword felled many beasts. Yet they would meet their match in a battle to end all battles, against the azure knight himself.

Well, that's at least what they thought. Kilik once again stated the obvious and said, "We're almost there. We must defeat Nightmare!" Completely distracted, both of them ran straight into a brick wall. They fell down, unconscious. Nightmare was drinking from a carton of milk as he walked down the stairs. He saw his two enemies lying unconscious on the floor. Interesting. Kilik's limp hand dropped a credit card.

Hmmm. Identity theft. It seemed so easy, all Nightmare had to do was take it, and he could buy so much stuff. A little angel version of Nightmare appeared on his shoulder, and said in a squeaky voice,

"I hope you weren't thinking of taking that credit card."

Suddenly, a devil version of Nightmare appeared on the other side of his shoulder and said, "Don't listen to that twerp. Listen to me. Take it. Think of all the stuff you could buy."

"Why you dirty asshole! Don't take it, please. It's not good."

"Oh come on, its right there. Surely you can't miss an opportunity like this. Its pure easy money right there. Take it."

Nightmare's conscience fought over the credit card. Unfortunately, Nightmare had completely forgotten about the entire ordeal. Nightmare left and went to the chapel. He was planning on taking a nap, when somebody appeared in front of him.

"David Hasslehoff!" Nightmare exclaimed.

"No, you dumb kid, I'm your father." The ghostly figure replied.

"I thought I killed you," Nightmare said.

"You did. It hurt. A lot."

"Why do you come here, father? I so wish you were here. It is a burden to be without you."

"I came here to smack you upside the head, boy! You dare kill your father? And then you run off with some slut in a castle? You are some stupid kid. I thought your mother and I treated you better."

"Well, uh," Nightmare said, scratching his head.

"And what is it with that mutated arm? I told you plastic surgery was a bad thing. I'm gonna beat you, boy, because you are some stupid kid." A giant boulder suddenly toppled upon Nightmare's father, banishing his spirit.

"Nice one, Biff!" Nightmare could hear from higher up in the castle. He turned around, and saw Kilik and Xianghua standing before him!

We're sorry for the inconvenience, but the writer has officially run out of ideas for the moment. So in order to keep the audience entertained, we have decided to bring you audio commentary for Smooch-smooch Meets Necrid!

So, yeah, um…..that's Smooch-smooch. He's there, and…..oh yeah, I remember that part, where's he's smiling, and um, yeah. Oh, and remember that part when Necrid came on? Yeah, that was priceless. If there was another person doing this commentary, he would laugh. Yeah. So, um, Smooch-smooch is just talking there. It wasn't anything too special, just about crickets, and I'm sure Necrid was trying to seem as angry as possible there. Man, it took him several takes to bite in the right place! We were kind of sick of Smooch-smooch at the moment so we didn't use fake blood. He actually died by the end of the production. Then, of course, we had Necrid boil him in acid and we got a Jeep to drive him to the desert……cost us a boatload of money……oh, and all those people who are dancing with him in the meadows? They were all computer animated. Well, that was it. Um, yeah.

Well, the author has got some more ideas now. We continue the chapter, without further interruption.

Will Nightmare defeat his enemies in this great battle to rival that of the heavens? Will Maxi get out of the dog crap that Fido left? Will Ivy be able to get out of the castle alive? And who is this mysterious stranger that I haven't talked about until just now? Find out in the next exciting episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!

Well, I lied. I wasn't going to continue the chapter. Suckers.


	10. The lovely telephone system

**CHAPTER 10: IT IS DONE……NYAHAHA JUST KIDDING**

_Alright, Nightmare old pal, you were given scary azure gothic armor for a reason, try your best to look as menacing as possible so you can intimidate the foolish warriors!_

Nightmare thought this as Kilik and Xianghua confronted him. Nightmare puffed out his chest, flexed his muscles, and said,

"Blablitynyemyehhahahablahblahhaphootiryuny!"

Well, he tried. He's just so dumb he can't manage to scare a two year old. Dumbass.

Kilik raised his eyebrow. "Ah, so he's Canadian," Kilik remarked to Xianghua. "Xianghua, will you marry me?" he asked rather randomly.

"Uhhhhh," Xianghua answered.

"Oh, dammit, not the right time, not the right time! Wrong game to ask! Let's just kill this bastard and get it over with." Kilik suddenly took out his rod.

And it was a big rod.

A lot of people like men with big rods.

"Oh my God!" Nightmare screamed. He pointed to the staff. "It's……it's so fricking long! It reminds me of a big, giant…."

"Enough, Nightmare! Your doom awaits!" Kilik said. He was ready to kick some major ass.

Xianghua whispered to Nightmare, "I think he's compensating for something," and she pointed to Kilik's lower body. Nightmare nodded.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, big rod man," Nightmare taunted, "I don't even have Soul Edge with me, so don't even bother beating me up! Don't try to hurt me with your _big, huge gigantic rod!_"

NOTICE: In the process of writing this chapter, the author got so disgusted and grossed out by the obvious statement this scene was portraying. Therefore, there will be an alternate setting for this battle to show a nicer message to the readers.

"Nightmare is trouncing around in Candyland!" Kilik squeaked. He pulled out a long Twizzler. "We must stop him before he reaches the Sugarplum King!" Xianghua nodded.

"It is not good that Nightmare is in Candyland!" She said. She pulled out a candy cane. "Let's try to get him to be nice!" They skipped through the candy flowers and reached Nightmare.

"Hahahahaha! I am in Candyland! I will steal all the candy!" Nightmare said in a squeaky voice. "The Sugarplum King cannot resist me!" He danced around and laughed.

"You will no longer be in Candyland, Nightmare!" Kilik yelled. "Prepare to die!" Suddenly, his Twizzler opened up. A missile came speeding out of it and hit Nightmare straight in the face. Turns out, it was filled with nerve gas and instantly killed everyone in Candyland. It went up in a nuclear explosion, and nobody survived.

Woah, that was a little dark for Candyland. Hmmmmm, let's try reverting back to Ostreihnsburg Castle, but without all the inappropriate innuendo.

"You and your big rod!" Nightmare yelled.

Hey, what did I say about all that! STOP IT!

"Sorry," Nightmare said. Kilik shook his head.

"I am not in the mood for this," he said. "Time to die!" He lunged at Nightmare. Nightmare screamed and ran away like a little girl, but Kilik was too fast. He wacked Nightmare in the head with his staff repeatedly and knocked him down. Xianghua watched as Kilik beat the ever living snot out of Nightmare.

"But wait….." Nightmare murmured. Kilik slammed his staff into Nightmare's head once again, and Nightmare went unconscious. Kilik stood proud and victorious over his fallen foe. Suddenly, a spear flew straight at Kilik. By mere luck, it hit the mirror that Kilik wore, but the force shattered it.

"Ooops! Hit the shinies!" the puppet Biff said in the balcony. The two puppets hopped down from the balcony and proceed to throw beach balls at Nightmare's motionless body.

Kilik started foaming at the mouth and growling. Xianghua flinched and gasped, but then walked over to Kilik.

"Look! You were unaffected from your mirror being destroyed! Your curse of madness is over!" Xianghua said. Kilik's eyes were glowing red. Kilik lunged at Xianghua and she screamed. While the carnage to the side was ensuing, the doors flung open and Inferno, wielding Soul Edge, jumped into the cathedral. The personification of hatred and evil looked around. He saw a man tearing apart a woman to the side, and two crudely made puppets throwing beach balls at a knight's body. Inferno screamed.

Xianghua barely managed to chain Kilik up, who snarled and repeatedly tried to bite her. Xianghua turned around and saw Inferno right before her. She took out her sword, ready to fight. Suddenly, her sword went through a glorious change.

Her sword left her hand and floated in the air. It shined brilliantly, so bright that Xianghua had to cover her eyes. It dropped to the ground, now a totally different sword, seemingly forged in crystal blue and glowing. Xianghua picked it up. The runes upon the blade said "The Soul Calibur. Made in China." Inferno, upon gazing on the holy sword, screamed and staggered. Xianghua lunged at Inferno, and the two blades of good and evil fought for mankind.

The earth shook as the two swords fought! All people quivered as the great powers of the world struggled in this epic battle! Flame and light wrapped around each other as the Soul Edge and the Soul Calibur met! And I went hungry! So I made myself a sandwich! All of Heaven, Earth, and Hell stood still and watched as good and evil warred.

Inferno knocked back an exhausted Xianghua. It knocked away Soul Calibur, so that Xianghua couldn't reach it. Nightmare began to wake up, and saw that the two puppets were humiliating him. He grabbed both of them by the necks and strangled them. He threw them away and slowly got up.

"I guess Soul Edge has gotten far beyond my control," Nightmare said. "What are we going to do now?"

Xianghua slowly took out a ring. Nightmare nodded and took out a ring too.

"Let's do this!" Xianghua said. Kilik took out a ring too.

"Earth!" Nightmare said.

"Fire!" Kilik growled.

"Wind!" Maxi said outside the castle.

"Water!" Xianghua said.

"And heart!" some Latino kid with a monkey cried.

"With these powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" A shining blue superhero said, floating in the air. His hair was green, his skin was blue, and his suit was red. He was Captain Planet. Inferno looked up, waving Soul Edge threateningly at Captain Planet.

"Hahaha, looks like we got to put out the fire!" He flew around Inferno a few times. Inferno raised its eyebrow and stabbed Captain Planet in the heart.

"Shit!" He yelled. He fell down and died.

"Well, that was our last bet. We'd better give these rings and the Latino kid back to those multicultural kids." Nightmare started to walk away. Inferno screamed.

Suddenly, Biff and Skippy turned on the water hose. Inferno screamed in agony as it was doused by the high pressure water. In seconds, the Catastrophe was a mere wisp of steam.

"Hahahahaha!" The two puppets laughed. A great portal opened, and Nightmare, Soul Edge, and Soul Calibur floated in the air and flew into the portal. The great portal closed.

Xianghua stared at the dead body of Captain Planet. "Let's all cheer for Captain Planet for saving the day!"

Captain Planet,

He's our hero,

Gonna take pollution down to zero!

He's um, something, something something,

Something something something something!

Uh, yeah! Captain Planet!

The exciting events of Captain Planet, er, I mean, Soul Calibur is over! Tune in for a new set of chapters chronicling the events of Siegfried Schaufften, and of his turn back into the azure knight to obtain peanuts and defeat the evil might of Nyquil! This is Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story, and my name is

(Technical difficulties. Please stand by.)


	11. the amazing furry animals

**CHAPTER 11: A NEW BIRTH**

Dr. Menopause and his evil assistant John McCain busied around the secret laboratory. They found a dead, lifeless body lying near the fields of Dr. Menopause's castle, and found it an excellent opportunity to test their theory of the re-stimulation of the brain through electricity. They fastened the corpse to the table.

"Let's begin the procedure! John McCain! Turn on the power!" Dr. Menopause exclaimed.

"Yes, master," McCain gurgled. He limped over to the power switch, rubbed the wart of his nose a little, and flipped the switch. Bolts of electricity zapped the dead body on the table, covered in a shroud to prevent direct contact with the body and the electricity. Slowly, the body began to move under the blanket.

"Yes, yes! It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!" Dr. Menopause said, throwing his hands up. John McCain copied him, swinging his arms up and then dropping them. Mucus dripped from his nose. The dead body sat straight up, threw the shroud of his body, and said,

"Dude, don't make such a fuss. I was only taking a nap." He looked around. "Say, I can think freely! I'm no longer under the influence of Soul Edge! I'm free! I'm free! I….." His eyes widened, and he stopped in his tracks.

"….Need to take a shit," he said. Siegfried rushed out of the laboratory and into the restroom. Dr. Menopause followed him and cried,

"But that's the _girls_ bathroom!"

"Exactly!" Siegfried answered.

Dr. Menopause sighed and went to his laptop. To pass the time by, he decided to look at……..stuff. As he looked at……..stuff, he did………things with his……..something which would be caused by him looking at………..stuff. As he was looking at……….stuff, a message popped up saying he had a mysterious person not on his buddy list IMing him. The screen name said "ILoveBradPitt07" Puzzled, Dr. Menopause clicked on the window, and the IM said,

I AM THE PRESIDENT OF NYQUIL

Oh my God. It was him. This guy was a complete terrorist. Dr. Menopause replied cautiously,

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

ONLY THE AZURE KNIGHT.

The Azure Knight? Does he possibly mean Nightmare, the legendary evil warrior of Germany? Dr. Menopause replied,

I DO NOT KNOW HIS ADDRESS.

OH, BLOODY HO, HE'S THE BASTARD WHO'S TAKING A DUMP IN THE LADY'S ROOM!

Wow. That weird guy was Nightmare all along.

OH.

JUST BRING HIM TO ME SO I CAN DEAL WITH HIM ACCORDINGLY.

KK.

WELL, G2G. CYA!

TTYL!

And with that, the President of Nyquil signed off. Dr. Menopause shivered in his seat. What would he do now? As he thought of these things, Siegfried opened the door, relaxed and happy. Here he was. He seemed so normal…….so…..dumb, yet he was in reality a murderer. Well, time to get him over to the Nyquil Company.

"Um, Siegfried," Dr. Menopause said. Siegfried was pouring random chemicals onto the table to see what happened.

"Yeah?" He answered, paying more attention to the chemicals.

"Um, we're going to go to the grocery store, and I would like it if you came."

"Oh, do I have to?" Siegfried asked, turning to the mad scientist.

Dr. Menopause sighed. "Well, I'm not forcing anybody to do anything, but," He drew out a gun and pointed it at Siegfried's head. "In the car. Now." Siegfried shrugged his shoulders and obeyed. Dr. Menopause forced Siegfried into the car and John McCain drove. John McCain started cackling.

"Oh yes, oh yes, you're going to get it! You're going to get it! Nyehahahahaha!" His disturbing huge left eye started twitching. He stuck out his tongue and blew out.

"Phbbttbbttbbtt!"

Yes?

"Er, what?" John McCain yelled out.

You called me, didn't you?

"No, no I wasn't," McCain gurgled.

Oh fine. Jackass.

John McCain snored and continued driving, twitching as he drove. Dr. Menopause kept his gun at Siegfried's head. At last, they came to the Nyquil Company Building. They got out of the car and entered. Siegfried shook his head.

"This isn't the grocery store…..you set me up! I'm not going in there! No! Don't! Never! AUUUUUUGH!" Dr. Menopause pushed him in. The mad scientist and his evil assistant laughed maniacally and continually pushed him into the elevator. All the demons and monsters that worked there stared at Siegfried hungrily. This was Hell for him. Geez, I'm about to crap my pants right now, I'm scared as hell.

They forced him into the elevator and closed the door. What was worse, the elevator music turned out to be New Age. Siegfried began to cry.

"I want to die, just let me die!"

"Don't worry, you'll get your wish soon enough," Dr. Menopause said. They got out of the elevator and went into a room. The door had a black skull on the door and blood dripping from the wood. It was the President of Nyquil. Siegfried whimpered.

Dr. Menopause and John McCain shakily dropped Siegfried on the floor. Their knees gave away and they scampered out the building. The President of Nyquil laughed.

"Ah, yes, here is Nightmare. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nyquil President."

"Nightmare? I'm no longer Nightmare. I'm Siegfried now."

"SILENCE! Or I will destroy you! Perhaps now is the time for me to show you my true identity." Nyquil President grabbed his forehead and began to pull. His face was in fact a mask, and he preceded to take off his clothes. After he took off his costume, he was a short man with a long nose, and a thin, curled moustache. His outfit resembled a train engineer, only that the colors were of purple and red.

"Dick Dastardly!" Siegfried gasped.

"Yes, it is I," he said in a German accent. "And this is my dog, Muttley," he pointed to his grey dog, sitting next to him. "For mere days I have watched you, wishing your demise. Now I can have it. I will torture you by force feeding Nyquil to you until you die from the pain. Muttley, take him to the chambers."

Muttley grumbled a little and grabbed Siegfried's arm. But little did he know that Siegfried had a plan. Just as Muttley turned to him, he set his plan into action. He poked Muttley in the eyes with his two fingers. He then bonked him in the head and threw him to the ground. Dick Dastardly stood up from his seat. Siegfried went into Crane stance.

"Little did you know, Dastardly, I'm a pink belt in Three Stoogitsu," and then went into ready stance. Dick Dastardly cringed angrily.

And then the doors went wide open, and waves of roosters flooded the room! The army of cocks overcame Siegfried, Muttley, and Dastardly and preceded to tear apart the office! Muttley climbed to safety, but Dastardly was overrun. He yelled to his companion.

"Muttley!" Dick Dastardly yelled.

Muttley only snickered. Siegfried rushed out of the room. He needed to get out alive. There was a vendor selling ice cream. Siegfried ran to him.

"Do you sell disturbingly large swords?" He asked the ice cream man.

"Why, yes I do. Here's the last one. Here ya go," he said, handing him a large sword. Siegfried said, "Awesome." The great army of chickens burst through the office, carrying Dick Dastardly with him. He apparently mastered them, and now rode upon the cocks like a slave driver.

"Onward! Get him!" He yelled to the roosters. They clucked and squealed and chased after Siegfried. Siegfried ran like a bat out of hell. All the employees, all the monsters and demons chased after him as well. He was good as dead.

He went to the hallway, but he was cut off by Muttley, who growled at him. Siegfried only decapitated him and kept on running. Dick Dastardly was upset.

"You killed Muttley! NOOOO!" Siegfried only went down the stairs.

On the floor below them, Maxi's brother crawled through the room, leaving a trail of blood. He was only barely alive now, receiving some small medical treatment that kept him alive from all the weapons hurled at him earlier.

"Must…..keep…..breathing…..think…..happy thoughts," he mumbled. Siegfried rushed past him.

"Hey! Please….help me…..need…..water….." He saw a great shadow come over him. In seconds, he was run over by a stampede of rabid chickens.

"We're gaining on him! Faster! Faster!" Dick Dastardly yelled. The roosters continued to cluck and scream. Siegfried leapt over a giant crevasse on the floor, which had hungry vipers and spikes protruding out, meaning certain death to any who fell. Dick Dastardly ordered his chickens to fly over the giant hole. They jumped and began to fly over the sinkhole.

"Yes! Yes! He'll be trapped by now!"

Oh wait. Chickens can't fly. Forgot about that. Sorry.

All the roosters fell down into the crevasse, Dick Dastardly included. His scream echoed through the room.

"I'll get you, Nightmare, if it's the last thing I do!" Siegfried completely ignored him and rushed into the bathroom, thankfully, the men's room this time.

Five minutes later, he came out, much more relaxed.

"Wait, why were there a bunch of chickens running after me? I just wanted to go the bathroom. Well, I completely forgot why I'm here now, so I think I'll just leave."

Did Dick Dastardly survive his tragic demise? Will Siegfried actually realize he's in a lot of danger? Will I stop forgetting that chickens can't fly? Find out on the next chapter of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story Version 2.0!


	12. Including the majestic moose

**CHAPTER 12: WHAT A CREEP!**

Siegfried barely escaped his doom in the wretched Nyquil building. Dick Dastardly himself barely survived the deadly pit when he landed on the mass of dead chickens, grabbed a bunch of feathers from their bodies, and tried to fly up the pit. That, however, didn't work, and they had to get a rescue team to save him. He is currently mourning for the death of his dog Muttley.

Well, Siegfried had nothing to do at the moment. Sure, he hadn't found a job yet, and he hadn't completely destroyed Soul Edge, whether he thinks it or not. But Siegfried was just chilling in his apartment. Practicing Tiddly Winks. You know.

One day, as Siegfried was rummaging through his stuff, he found a strange doo-hickey thing.

"I believe I just found a strange doo-hickey thing!" Siegfried said, stating exactly everything I just said.

It was in fact a spy machine. Siegfried realized that he planted this on Ivy's person so he'd be able to watch her undress. Yeah, that is creepy and disturbing. But he was desperate at the time. You know us guys. Well, he hadn't quite forgotten to take it off her, and that must have meant it recorded everything that happened after he ordered her death.

"Well, I guess I'll see what really happened." He plugged it into the TV and turned the TV on. It showed Ivy running for her life through the castle, away from a pile of clay. Possibly a bunch of golems. Or Play-Doh. Yeah, it was the special Play-Doh golems Siegfried thought up. They didn't work too well though. Maybe that's why they're all dead right now.

"Man, what a waste of Play-Doh. Geez," he said. Ivy ran down into a secret passageway and followed the tunnel. She reached this place with a bunch of statues in it. She stopped and looked around. Someone was there.

Suddenly, a crimson flash darted in front of her. It was a woman, dressed in a red ninja outfit and OH MY GOD!

Siegfried stopped the tape IMMEDIATELY. "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? Dear Lord and Savior! Look at those!" Siegfried was of course staring at those enormous……things. You know, the part of the woman that the men don't really have, you know…..all right, I'll just say it. He was looking at those gigantic boobs.

Siegfried pressed the zoom-in button on his remote. "Dear Lord, Siegfried, get a hold of yourself! Do not fall into the hole of perversion!" A voice said inside his head.

"But I already have. I put a spy machine on Ivy to watch her undress. Something that just lost its glamour a moment ago," Siegfried said.

"Ugh….." That voice said. Siegfried just couldn't help it. Unfortunately for him, his tv remote was old, so when he pressed the zoom-in, it actually unstopped it. So, the tape continued.

"Who are you?" Ivy asked.

"Yeah, really, who are you?" Siegfried asked dully.

"I am Taki, and you are Ivy," Taki said. "Say, did I ever tell you that you were only part of Nightmare's group so he could try to get it on with you?"

"Yeah, he kind of made it obvious. He's not too good at it." Siegfried did not know what to do. There was a confrontation with one hot woman, and another hot woman. He was in a predicament. He didn't know what to do.

"There is evil within you," Taki said. "I must stop you."

"Oh will you?" Ivy said. Taki threateningly drew her swords.

"We surrender!" Ivy's blade exclaimed.

"Shut up. Well, I guess then," Ivy said threateningly. She hissed at Taki, who lunged at her. They started screaming, scratching, rolling around……

Now, Siegfried just couldn't take it anymore. Trying to keep himself from touching provocative places, he fast forwarded it. Unfortunately, since his remote was so screwed up, it slowed it down.

"Oh crap……oh……oh….." Ivy and Taki were having a ferocious catfight. Siegfried finally stopped it.

"Alright, let's just fast-forward to where they end. I can't take it anymore." Fast-forwarding it, it got to the point where Ivy was down on the ground with Taki above her.

"I have felt this kind of energy before……..it is evil……it came from a pirate. I believe you are his daughter."

"Um, I already knew that, and I hate my father," Ivy said blankly.

"Well, ok. Um, so that's all I came to do, so, _Shia-Kazam!_" Taki clapped her hands, and a bolt of energy took the place of her. When the smoke settled, there was Taki, nearly burnt to a crisp.

"Well, that didn't work," Taki said. She walked away. Siegfried turned the TV off.

"Um, ok, that was interesting. Let's watch it again!" Siegfried exclaimed.

"No! Discipline, Siegfried. DISCIPLINE!" The voice inside his head said.

"Oh, alright," Siegfried said.

"Thank you."

Well, that was kind of short, wasn't it? Well, I think it's time for another story about your favorite character: Smooch-smooch!

SMOOCH-SMOOCH MEETS CHARADE

Smooch-smooch was a good guy. He had a friend named Charade. Charade, however, did not speak much. Smooch-smooch, obsessed about amoebas, continually talked day in and day out. Charade never paid attention to him. In order to see if he'd talk, Smooch-smooch shot him in the head. Then, all the fragments of Soul Edge formed an army of Charades who ganged up on Smooch-smooch and tore his body apart into several different pieces. Then the entire army of Charades skipped through the flowers, and all took part in their happiness!

………except for Smooch-smooch.

Will Siegfried be able to watch that video again without having provocative thoughts? Will Dick Dastardly succeed in destroying his foe? Will Smooch-smooch come back for another pointless short-story? Find out on the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story! Gotta catch-em aaaaalllll!


	13. A moose once bit my sister

**CHAPTER 13: MR. SHTAUFFTEN**

Dick Dastardly plotted in his Plotting Chair. He had hated Siegfried from the start, but now, he was just pissed. I mean, seriously, he needed to piss, and there wasn't a bathroom in sight. He blamed Siegfried for this, because he hated Siegfried, and he hated Siegfried because he killed Muttley.

"How can I kill Nightmare," Dastardly plotted. Suddenly, he got an idea. He buzzed in his intercom and said, "Marcy, bring in the agents."

"My…..name…..is…..GRE….."

"Yes, yes, that's fine. Just bring them in," Dastardly ordered. He heard a sigh in the other end. Dastardly waited until the doors went open. Three men in suits came in.

"Mr. Dastardly," the center agent said, "A pleasure to meet you."

"Yes, yes. And what is your name?"

"I am Agent Alvin."

"I am Agent Simon."

"And I am Agent Theodore," the third one said emotionlessly.

"Good. There's a man out there that I want dead," Dick Dastardly said. "His name is Siegfried Schtaufften. Go find him, and kick his ass. I'm not even trying to be remotely funny and I very well know that I'm blatantly obvious that I want this guy dead. Understand? I said, UNDERSTAND?"

All three agents were asleep.

"Damn you! How dare you snooze while I am snoozing! I mean speaking!"

Alvin picked Dastardly up by the throat. Dastardly croaked, "Muttley!"

Yet there was a silence. There was no snicker to answer Dastardly's cry.

Dick began to cry. "Poor Muttley……I shall avenge you!"

Theodore began to giggle.

"What? What is so funny?" Dastardly demanded.

"Teehee……your name is Dick!" Theodore said, holding back the laughter.

"Look, guys, just shoot him. I don't care how, just kill him. Okay?" Dastardly fumed out of the office. All three agents looked at each other.

"Yes, we'll kill Mr. Schtaufften," Alvin said.

"But first, let's laugh at 'Dick' and his funny name," Simon said.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" All three agents laughed maniacally.

Siegfried had a rough night. He was having nightmares…..about……..well, let's take a look!

"No……not the bunnies…….the bunnies……fuzzy bunnies…….no…….AAAAUGH! THE BUNNIES! HELLLP!"

Woah there. Let's um……let's look at Siegfried's moaning in his sleep and not mi…..er……someone else's…….ahem…..yeah.

Siegfried tossed and turned in his sleep. Something haunted him…..yet he didn't know what……

"They're so salty……..still in there shells………..the peanuts……I can't stand it……..I need PEANUTS!" He jumped out of bed, his eyes literally red with evil. His entire arm seemed mutilated with a brown demonic skin. He looked at his arm once.

"Woah, I never though that carrying a caramel ice cream cone into bed would get that out of hand…..and just look at these sheets!" The caramel seeped into the bed sheets. He then looked into the mirror. "And I think I need to start taking more naps, my eyes look completely bloodshot," he said, taking note of his red eyes.

He jumped out of bed and looked at the Classifieds. "If I'm going to make a living, I'm damn well going to get a job! Lessee……we got lawyers, businessmen, computer scientists…..but I need something a little more high up in the paycheck factor," Siegfried said, looking deeper in the newspaper.

"Okay, so one double bacon cheeseburger, two large fries and a coke?" Siegfried asked the man through the drive-thru window.

"No! One frosty, one Big Mac and some chicken fries!" The man said.

"Um, sir, those are from three totally different restaurants, this is Taco Bell," Siegfried reassured the man.

"You know what, screw this, I'm going to Hardee's!" the man made a rude hand gesture and drove off. If he hadn't looked at the back of the Classifieds that day. That's where the comics were. He shook his head and looked down.

"That's the last time I listen to Garfield's advice!" Siegfried exclaimed. Suddenly, a car drove in the drive-thru. Siegfried asked through the intercom, "Hello, this is Taco Bell, may I take your order?"

"Yes……..I'll take one Soul Edge, please," the man said.

"Okey dokey then," he said, pulling Soul Edge out. "That'll be 15.95, hey!" he exclaimed. Something was wrong. "You want a soda with that?"

"Um, no," the man said.

"Oh." He gave him the Soul Edge and the man drove off. He even forgot to pay for it.

"Aw, crap, he forgot to pay. What am I going to do now?" He then realized what just happened. The bastard took his sword. Siegfried lunged out the drive-thru window and chased after the car.

"You took my evil sword! NOOOOOO!" He ran after the car. Above him in a helicopter, the three agents looked down, their plan successfully working.

"We got that guy to take Soul Edge. Soon, Mr. Schtaufften will run right into us, and that's when we kill him." All three agents laughed.

Siegfried realized that he was too slow and out of shape to catch up to the car. Thankfully, Taco Bell employees are always given machine guns as regular employee equipment. Siegfried shot relentlessly at the car. It blew up. Out of the door came a samurai with a katana in one hand, Soul Edge in another.

"Dammit! Foiled by guns again!" Mitsurugi said.

"Just give me the damn sword, Bitchurugi, and I swear I won't blow your brains out," Siegfried said. Mitsurugi drew his katana and charged at Siegfried. Siegfried shot Mitsurugi over and over again. He fell down, dead.

Then suddenly, there positions were reset. Some voice said, "Round 2: Fight!" and Mitsurugi lunged at Siegfried again. Siegfried pulled the trigger again, but the gun was out of ammo. Mitsurugi cut down Siegfried with his sword. Siegfried died.

As the Final Battle began, they stopped when a beaten down man entered the scene. "I'm dying…..please help me…….help….." How does this guy keep on living? Here, let me try something.

A huge sword fell from the sky and landed on Maxi's brother's skull. Maxi's body was cloven in two. Strangely enough, the body formed together again after a few minutes. It continued to crawl.

"Pain…..lots of pain…..help me…." Wow. This guy's like, immortal. I could use that to my advantage some time, or just use some fun. Oh wait. I have an idea.

As Maxi's brother crawled towards Siegfried, he screamed and began to change. His body turned into a man with a suit, sunglasses, and an earpiece. Two other men similar to him came out of nowhere. They drew their guns. Mitsurugi shook his head.

"Dammit, more guns!" He attacked the agents. They just shot him and he died. Poor Mitsurugi. Well, they then aimed their guns at Siegfried. Without speaking, Agents Alvin, Simon, and Theodore shot repeatedly at Siegfried. Involuntarily reacting, Siegfried bent his back and narrowly dodged the bullets. Strange enough, the world slowed down to bullet-time.

"Wow, cool special effects!" Siegfried said.

Yeah, I copied them from the Matrix!

The agents ran out of bullets. Siegfried got back up, getting ready to kick ass. "Well, it looks like you're beaten. You have no more bullets."

"That's what you think, I've got a more powerful weapon right he…." Agent Simon said, starting to zip his pants. Agent Alvin stopped him.

"There is a time and a place for that, and it's not now," Alvin said. "It looks like we'll have to take care of Mr. Schtaufften the old fashioned way," he said. They all resumed symmetrical kung-fu poses.

"Angel style!" They said, and jumped up, lunging at Siegfried. Siegfried got ready to fight. Now, I could go into detail with every cool move completely created through special effects and stunt doubles, but my attention span is not big enough for that. So I'll just summarize what happened in five words.

Siegfried got his ass whooped.

He fell to the ground, about to die. The agents stood in front of him, about to give the finishing blow. Siegfried moaned,

"I wish someone could help me!"

Suddenly, a mysterious figure gave a roundhouse kick to Agent Theodore's face. He blew up, absolutely no traces of his body left. Siegfried looked closer.

"Chuck Norris?" He asked.

"That's me!" He said, his muscles bulging.

"Oh my God! Not Chuck Norris! Spare me!"

"Chuck Norris spares nobody!" he said. He punched Agent Simon. All that was left was a crater in which Agent Simon once stood. All that was left was Agent Alvin. He blew up in pure fear just by looking at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris saves the day.

"Wow, thank you, Chuck Norris!" Siegfried said. Chuck Norris gave him a roundhouse kick to the face.

"Nobody talks to Chuck Norris unless spoken too!" Siegfried fell down, unconscious. Will Siegfried survive the awesome power of Chuck Norris' round house kick? Will Agents Alvin, Simon, and Theodore return for another day? No. Will I be able to withstand the countless angry mobs trying to painfully kill me because I killed Mitsurugi?

Oh wait, that might be bad. Um, let's just say Mitsurugi survived and continued his quest. There. Done and done.

Find out on the next episode of the Coolest Story Ever! aka Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	14. No really

**CHAPTER 14: GOTTA CATCH YUGIOH'S BALLZ**

On the last episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story **Z!**

Chuck Norris delivered a killer roundhouse kick to our hero, Siegfried, after a climactic battle with the evil Agents of Dick Dastardly, who plots for our hero's demise. After a terrific battle with the Nyquil Agents, Siegfried fell unconscious due to the karate champion's deadly attack. Now we join our hero as he wakes up in a mysterious land.

GOTTA CATCH YUGIOH'S BALLZ

Dunununa, dununununa, dunununununa, dududa!

Siegfried woke up from comatose. He felt groggy. He also had a humongous bruise on the side of his head. On his armor there was an engraving, "You just got Chuck Norrised. Boo yah." He looked around. Everything was strange.

Everything seemed….animated. Like it was a cartoon. Three kids approached him. They each had ridiculously huge eyes and strange, spiky hair. They all seemed to have wardrobe malfunctions, as their clothes just SUCKED. The center kid with weird Z's on his cheeks lunged at Siegfried. He had a red and white ball in his hand.

"Yaaa! I want to Pokebattle you!" The kid cried. He chucked the ball at Siegfried, knocking him in the head.

"Hey, watch it, kid, OH MY GOD!" Some strange creature popped out of the ball in a display of lights and electricity! A yellow rat appeared, with a jagged tail, and red circles on his cheeks. Obviously a mutated electrocuted mouse suffering the Black Plague. Hmm.

"Go, Pikachu!" The rat zapped Siegfried, electrocuting him with mysterious powers.

"Alright, you asked for it, bitch!" Siegfried yelled. He grabbed his sword, ready to cleave the God-awful rodent in half. The kid stared at him.

"Uh, aren't you going to summon a Pokemon or something?" A huge drop of water seemed to go down his face, but faded away. This place was just plain disturbing.

Oh. Wait. This was that dumb tv show. Pokemon, or whatever it was. Siegfried had problems with anime in his younger days. They……..gave him problems. Let's just leave it at that.

"Um, ok, go…..me!" Siegfried used this excuse to lunge at Pikachu. Pikachu zapped him again.

"Ok, this has gone FAR ENOUGH." Siegfried was smoking and charred. Pikachu continued to zap him relentlessly. Pikachu giggled, until he was met by full-auto machine gun fire. The bloodied mess of a mouse slumped to the ground. Siegfried dropped his machine gun. The kid stared, and began to cry. More like drowning the world and all life in it. His eyes were literally fountains going everywhere. Siegfried shook his head and left.

"Damn anime…..what next?" He asked this to himself as he walked a little bit more. Suddenly, a nearby mountain exploded.

"HELLO," Siegfried screamed, looking over there. Some floating guy with yet another wardrobe malfunction, spiky hair, and a monkey tail laughed.

"Yes, soon, I shall have all the Dragonballs I need to become a Super Saiyan! The world shall belong to me, Vegeta!"

Vegeta? What kind of dumb name is that?

"Hey, um, Vegetable?" Siegfried called to Vegeta. He thought he called himself "Vegetable". Vegeta looked down at him.

"What? How dare you insult the powerful Vegeta! I shall destroy you!"

"How can you destroy me if you've got a _monkey_ shoved up your ass? I mean, doesn't that tickle?" Siegfried yelled back. Vegeta blushed, but then shot a powerful blast at Siegfried.

"KameameA!" Vegeta yelled. The energy beam aimed straight at Siegfried. Now, a force like this would kill Siegfried instantly. However, if, say, Michael Moore would be right in front of him, well, there may be a slight chance of Siegfried surviving without a scratch. But what are the chances of Michael Moore being right in front of him just to have a painful death?

After watching Michael Moore just be incinerated by the blast, Siegfried laughed. "Missed me, monkey butt! Haha! Monkey butt! Monkey butt! Nyehahahaha!"

"You infuriate me! I will now became a Super Saiyan! YAAAAAA!" His hair suddenly turned gold and his eyes turned blue. Energy surrounded him. Siegfried raised his eyebrows.

"Well, little do you know that I am a Super Saiyan as well!" Siegfried's hair turned all spiky and golden. He floated up to Vegeta's level.

"Yeah, well I'm a Super Saiyan level 2!" His hair grew longer and spikier and he became more muscular.

"Well, I'm a Super Saiyan level 3!" Siegfried's hair went down to his legs, and his muscles became really big.

"Well, I'm a Super Saiyan level…." POW! Siegfried shot Vegeta right between the eyes. He fell down, dead. Siegfried laughed, and in a deep and anime styled voice, he said,

"Now, I have reached a new power level. I am the strongest Z Warrior on the planet! Wait, what?" His voice returned to normal. "What am I saying again?" He floated down and returned to normal. Suddenly, a great dragon appeared out of nowhere.

"Siegfried," it rumbled. "You have proved to be the strongest Z Warrior on the planet. Therefore, you shall have 3 wishes. What shall they be?"

"Uh, 1, give me a sandwich, 2, go away, you scare me, and 3, uh, get me back home." His sandwich appeared in his hands, and the dragon went away. But Siegfried did not return to his home. Since the dragon went away before he could get Siegfried home, he was incapable of doing so.

You're an idiot, Siegfried. Just an idiot.

Suddenly, Siegfried was zapped with electricity! Ash ran up to him, with his Pikachu following him. Apparently he got better. Somehow. I don't know. What am I, the writer of this story? Geez!

"God damn it, I'll kill you and your radioactive squirrel!" Siegfried yelled. Taking a red and white ball from his pocket, he yelled,

"Go, Dickhead!" He threw the ball, and out came a creature similar in appearance to Tom Cruise. Strange. Anyway, Pikachu and Dickhead squared off.

Ash yelled, "Pikachu! Use your thunderbolt!"

Siegfried yelled, "Dickhead! Use your Super Crap Attack!"

"Pikachuuuuuuu!"

"_I'm a girly boy!"_

Hey, wait, what's happening here?

"Uh, yes, hello, we're the creators of the several anime shows. Behind us are an angry mob of anime fans. We can sense through your writing style of this chapter that you don't like anime. Therefore, we will….."

BOOM! A randomly placed bomb filled with nerve gas, definitely NOT placed there by me due to my lack of caring for whatever type of bullshit that guy was talking about, went off where all the anime guys were. They died instantly. Oh, what a shame. What a shame.

See, these people that I randomly think up because I'm running out of ideas just don't get it. I can kick their ass. They suck. And they suck because I can't think of anything better. Well, let's get back to the battle, already in progress.

"Yeah! We won, Dickhead! We won!" Siegfried said. Ash and Pikachu stomped away, pouting. Dickhead started to glow.

"What's this? Dickhead's evolving!" Dickhead began glowing brightly. Siegfried waited for a few seconds, then left.

"Ah, bullshit, I don't have time for this. I want to leave." Behind him, Dickhead turned into its next form: Barbra Streisand. Well, all I can say is that Siegfried got out of that awful place. If I told you how, that would mean I would have to think of a way he did it. I don't want to do that right now.

Anyways, I've seen that a lot of people like my story and constantly review. Therefore, to reward them, I'll introduce them in my story to die a horrible and painful death! Let's start with the first one, one of the first to review me, Yellingman!

Yellingman was near a bunch of mimes. They couldn't talk, but Yellingman sure could. He yelled at the top of his lungs until the mimes were fed up with it. Finally, one of them snapped and drew a chainsaw. He lunged at Yellingman and ripped him apart until he was a bloody mess. What was left of him was messily devoured by mutated worms. The End.

Tune in next time for the next exciting chapter of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story **Z!**


	15. She was carving her initials on it

**CHAPTER 15: MOMMA'S BOY**

And so, with the defeat of Ash and his mutated…..rodent……thing……., Siegfried returned to his home. Little did he know that Dick Dastardly, the President of Nyquil, still had not given up in destroying Siegfried. He plotted secretly to his demise. Could he truly kill Siegfried?

No. I won't let him. Then, the story would be over. Deal with it.

Asshole.

Anyways, Siegfried realized something. He missed his mommy. Siegfried, you see, was a sissy little momma's boy with no backbone to stand up for himself. Literally. His childhood days were rough. Almost died, no backbone. They had to put in an artificial one so he could stand up. The kids used to make fun of him all the time.

"Hey you, No Spine! What're going to do, have no spine on me? Ha!"

Kids can be cruel, man. No heart at all. Well, Siegfried decided to see his mother once more. It had been awhile…..mass murdering was, in fact, a hard job and Siegfried had little time to himself….you know, with the endless gore and bloodshed on the innocents, Siegfried had to work several shifts a day. Too bad he sucked at it.

Well, Siegfried traveled to his mother's house, and knocked on the door. He heard something in the house he did not expect…..

"Dear God……I pray that you may GET THIS MOTHER #!ING SLEEZEBALL OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"

"Okay, Marge, I'm going, I'm going! Geez!" The door went right open, and some greasy guy with tattoos and a stained undershirt ran out of the house with suitcases. He turned to Siegfried and said,

"I warning you: That woman……..she's a bitch! Good luck with her man!" He ran away. Siegfried's mom ran out, with a dog, and said,

"And take your damn mutt with you!" She punted the dog and it fell a distance away from the man.

"YOU PUNTED BAXTER! NOOOOOOO! Oh, you punted Baxter…..sob I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!"

"Hey, is that Will Ferrell?" Siegfried asked. "No, it can't be. Never mind. Anyways, hi mom!"

Margaret Schaufften stared at him for a moment. "Who the hell are you?"

"Um…..Siegfried? Your son? Of whom you were his mother?" Siegfried said.

Margaret stared at him for a moment. "Oh, yeah, Siegfried! The kid I had with…..which one was it…..uh…..Skippy?"

"No, mom, Frederick?" Siegfried replied.

"Oh, yeah! Fred! I remember you now! You killed him after going insane from reruns of Murder, She Wrote. Yeah. That….that looked painful," Margaret commented.

"Oh, I believe it was. But, after a long journey, I believe I have purged myself of my inner demons!" Siegfried proudly said.

"Right…..well, you can stay here as long as you want, Siegfried, just don't plan to live here. I'll probably be having some weird guy moving in at some point…..he might be bugged by my son living here as well."

"Okey dokey, mom!"

And so, Siegfried unpacked himself and began to live with his mom. They were once sitting at the table, when Margaret said,

"So, do you have anything you want to talk about?"

Siegfried thought for a moment.

"Uh…..mom….where do babies come from?"

Woah there……let's skip that conversation, as I am NOT in the mood to here that. However, it is kind of funny that Siegfried has not gotten the "talk" yet. Haha. Hilarious. Let's all point and laugh at him. Haha.

"You stop doing that!" Margaret yelled.

Yes, Mrs. Schaufften.

"Good," Margaret said.

Mrs. Schaufften?

"What?" Margaret yelled.

Can Siegfried come out to play?

"No. He hasn't done his homework yet."

"Aw, come on, mom!"

Yeah, he can finish it later!

"He will finish now. You will just have to wait until later, Mr. Author.

Yes, Mrs. Schaufften.

Anyways, one day, Siegfried and Margaret were having lunch, when suddenly…….

"Burn! Death! Evil! Sodomy! Destruction!"

"What the hell was that?" Margaret asked.

"Uh Oh……Nyerrgh…..Eeep……." Siegfried scrunched up his face. Margaret looked puzzled.

"If you're constipated, you should go take some laxatives. Here, I have some. Open wide….." Margaret poured a weird liquid into the demonic Siegfried's mouth.

"WRAAAAAAAR!" Siegfried yelled. He was just about to pounce upon and eat Margaret, when he felt something. Something strange. What a weird sensation. Uh Oh.

Now that's something hilarious! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Siegfried rushed into the bathroom. "OH MY GOD! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!" Siegfried yelled inside. The demon that took over Siegfried passed away in a way that I would not like to talk about right now. This demon was the signal that a new evil power had risen. Well, it wasn't new. It was Soul Edge. And worst of all…..it was in Margaret's house!

"Crap! If mom notices Soul Edge, she'll take it, and become possessed! I must stop that! Oooh, but I'm not finished yet!" He's right. His intestines were not done cleaning themselves out yet.

"It looks like I have a choice here. Do I save my mom and hold it, save my mom and make a huge mess on the floor, or do I finish my business and possibly doom my mother for all eternity?"

"Siegfried? I found something weird in your room. It kinda looks like a sword, but it's got a creepy eye in the center! Should I bring it down? Siegfried, honey? Hello? I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOUNG MAN!"

"Uh oh, now's she's pissed. Gotta act fast," Siegfried said. He took a deep breath. "Power!" He pushed with all his might. Margaret's hands were beginning to reach to the sword. He pushed even harder. Her hand was out, about to touch the sword. He was finally done, but the force broke his pelvis. He got up, and started limping upstairs. Margaret's hands were getting closer to Soul Edge.

Siegfried dashed and pushed Margaret out of the way. She was actually moving very slow, that's why Siegfried limped up there in time.

"Thank God, you're safe!" He took a big sigh of relief. "You know mom, I think it's too dangerous for me to be here. I think I'm moving out," Siegfried said.

"That's fine, Siegfried. You never were my favorite son."

It took him a while before he got that. "Wait, out of how many?"

Meanwhile…….

"Yes, soon, I shall be able to control the Earth with my Nyquil medicine! But I'll certainly be getting help…..and Siegfried will not be able to stop me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dick Dastardly laughed.

"Do not worry you, Dick Dastardly. He not be able to stop any of the us……even if we're in are a different video game! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story! WOOOOOOOOO! Cliffhangers! Woooooooo!


	16. and I love mooses

**CHAPTER 16: ARE BELONG TO US**

In A.D. 2101, war was beginning.

BOOM BOOM

"What happened?" the captain asked.

"Somebody set us up the bomb."

"We get signal."

"What?"

"Main screen turn on."

"It's you!" the captain cried as an image of a robotic man with green skin appeared on the monitor.

"How are you gentlemen," CATS said in a cybernetic, monotonous voice.

"All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction," he moaned on.

"What you say?" the captain asked hopelessly.

"You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha." Even though the text had four "ha's", he only said three. Well, the translation for this is really crappy, I don't care.

Siegfried walked along, dragging Soul Edge with him. He needed to get rid of it, before it started hurting people. It seems at some points, he would wake up, and there would be dead people all around him. You could say he was a little unnerved by it.

"OH MY GOD! DEAD PEOPLE! AROUND ME!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Well, maybe a little more so than most people.

"I'm not dead! I'm just badly hurt……you impaled me with that sword in the neck…..but I'm still alive," Maxi's brother said.

Now wait. Hold on. I am not going to let this guy defy the laws of the universe again. This guy has been wasting…..um….typing…..stuff……for too long! This guy is going down!

A giant boulder landed on Maxi's brother and killed him. There. End of story. Bye bye.

"No, wait, I'm alive, don't worry," Maxi's brother said.

Crap, man! Even I can't kill him! What the hell! I'm supposed to control what happens here! Well, I can always send him away for a while. He can't bother anyone……..when man-eating birds catch him and bring him to their nest to viciously devour him!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Maxi's brother screamed as the giant bird picked him up and flew into the mountains.

There we go. Now let's finish the story, oh wait, not him again!

"Yeah, I hate that guy," Siegfried said.

Smooch-smooch danced across the street. And got hit by a car. And died. And went to hell for being such a prick. There we go. Now, at least we can have SOME plot development.

Well, Siegfried's mind began to go downhill. His eyes went pure white, and he started foaming at the mouth. A guy, named Paladin Dragoon, and a girl named Fox McCloud were walking one day when they saw Siegfried in his demonic seizure.

"Hey, what's this guy doing?" Paladin asked.

"I don't know. Let's check it out," Fox replied.

They approached Siegfried when he lunged upon them and chopped their heads off with his sword. Yes, I forgot to kill somebody off last chapter, so I'm doing two today!

"Oh, God damn it!" Paladin cursed. He fell down and died. Siegfried realized that Fox was not beheaded properly. She was just barely breathing. Siegfried realized what he had to do, he knew what the right choice was.

So he shot her.

"Woah, I really got to get out of here before I kill more people!" He took Soul Edge and his sword and ran off. Little did he knew he was being tracked.

"Do you think you can kill him, CATS?" Dick Dastardly asked. "My Muttley must be avenged," he said.

"We shall killing to him," CATS said.

"……….right. Ok." Dick Dastardly sent him on his way. Along with him came a huge fleet of baddie ships of which I do not know the name as I have not played that Zero Wing game. So I'll call them the baddie ships.

Siegfried ran for a little while. He got tired, as he was completely out of shape. Puffing and panting, he looked up, and then at the ground. He sighed.

"I'm get a small feeling I'm being followed."

ROAR! Thousands of baddie ships blasted through the sky, all of them circling around Siegfried, constantly trying to fire at him, destroying the entire forest in the process.

"Though, it is a small feeling. Hey, what's that? OH MY GOD!" Siegfried dropped to his knees and cowered. A tractor beam came down and CATS appeared before him.

"How are you Siegfried," it buzzed.

"Go away. I'm cowering and awaiting a violent death."

"You fool. I am the death to you. You die at now, haha. All your base are belong to us. All your base are belong to us."

"My God, will you SHUT UP? I'm trying to prepare for my death!" Siegfried yelled.

"You dare defy me," CATS said. He shot a laser beam at Siegfried. Siegfried took his sword and swung at CATS. CATS jumped away and took out and energy sword. The duel was fierce. Siegfried swung all his might, his rage taking over him as Soul Edge ate away his mind. CATS swung with all his evil and hatred infused within the circuits of his brain. Finally, CATS struck him hard enough Siegfried fell to the ground. His sword was too far away from him. He was done for.

"Any your last words," CATS asked.

"Yeah. Don't kill me."

"Unacceptable," CATS said. Suddenly, a ship, trying to fire at Siegfried, missed and hit CATS. CATS, however, had reflexes stronger than any normal human and stepped out of the way. Siegfried gulped.

"Hahahaha," CATS said, only using three laughs once more.

Then his head popped off. He fell down, dead, for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was because I wrote myself into a wall, surrounded by several rabid gerbils, teeth constantly chattering, eyes gleaming red, wishing nothing but to devour me as they cornered me into my own exuberant writing!

But probably not. Anyways, Siegfried stared at the lifeless corpse of his cyborg foe. He could still hear the mumbling from the ripped circuits jetting out from his neck.

"All your base….all your base…..all your base….."

"SHUT UP!" Siegfried stuck his sword in the robot's back.

Asshole.

Then, the earth began to shake. A dark shadow loomed over the baddie ships and the rest of the forest. Siegfried well knew that his sanity would be in tact not much longer.

And then all hell broke loose. Hordes of hungry, monstrous…….koalas stormed the forest and the skies. They jumped with superhuman strength onto the ships and ripped them apart with their mutated claws. The baddie ships could not escape from the Australian attack of the koalas. Death to crappy translations.

The koalas rushed through the forest and trampled over Siegfried. They ignored his flesh, but ran over him, so many of them filled the ground that Siegfried could not be seen. The entire baddie fleet was destroyed, and the koalas ran to their next target. U.N headquarters….Er, as the koalas began to disperse, something more than Siegfried emerged from the ground. His flesh was scratched, and his right arm seemed mutated and demonic. His eyes gleamed red, and his laugh pierced the souls of all human beings as it was given sound by Satan and his infernal choir of hellish singers and trombonists. And cymbalists. And percussionists. And oboe….ists. Christ himself upon his throne of jasper and carnelian in the Empyrean above shook his head in grief as all of his angelic host began to cry. Their tears reached the earth, as it began to drench the earth in the form of rain, that a soul that innocent, that valiant would fall to a demonic power.

The being stalked the forest until it came upon a camping sight. A mother, a father, and their young boy were on a camping trip in the wilderness. He smiled as he saw fresh blood. The father just brought back freshly caught game when he saw the being dragging a huge, creepy sword towards them.

"Hey, Mierda! Get Shitty and put him in the tent with yourself! Someone's attacking the camp!"

"But, Shiest, he might kill you!" Mierda said.

"Just go! Hello, stranger, what do you want?" Shiest said.

"I want…….YOUR SOUL!" Nightmare grabbed Soul Edge with both hands. He lifted it high in the air, ready to strike poor Shiest down. However, it merely fell on Nightmare's other side.

"Just let me……wait a minute……I got it…..grrrr…." Nightmare tried to lift the sword up again, but it was too heavy. He pulled on it as hard as he could.

"You stupid, goddamn, mother fff….." he tried to lift it up, as he whispered curses and profanities under his breath. Shiest looked at him funny, then went into the tent. He got Mierda and Shitty out, and they casually began to pack up the camp as Nightmare desperately tried to pick up the sword. They folded up the tent, doused the fire, packed up their clothes and put them in the car. They then got into their Jeep and drove away. Nightmare yelled back at the leaving family in panic.

"Aw, wait, come on! I've almost got…….ah, SHIT." He realized that Soul Edge had run into some bubble gum on the ground and was stuck. It finally came off right then, and Nightmare picked it up with ease. Since Nightmare was holding Soul Edge with his regular hand, and he was really pissed off, he held out his mutated hand, and extended his second finger. However, his joints were so rusty on that arm, and his finger was so big, that it hit him in the chin and knocked him to the ground.

"YOU STUPID, UGLY, FU…." he rattled on his profanities, "….ING ARM! GODDAMN IT! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH! Ah, I suck."

And so, Siegfried went under a demonic transformation into Nightmare! Find out what happens next on Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	17. When it bit her

**CHAPTER 17: BACK IN ACTION……OH LORD**

"Aaaaahhhhhh…..it's great to be back here again! Good old, home sweet home." Nightmare looked at his old dwelling place. Ostreihnsburg Castle. No place like home, I guess.

"I wish, though, that I could have some companions to help me. I had a great time with Astaroth, Ivy, and Lizardman." He began to swell with tears as he held up a picture of the four of them together. "See? sniff that big one is Astaroth, and sob that's Lizardman, the one with the pointy teeth. And the girl there, sob is Ivy. OOOOOH! I MISS THEM! COME BACK, FRIENDS!"

Oh, boohoo! Go cry me a river, wuss. I'm not paying you to cry on the job.

"But you're not paying me at all! You didn't even hire me!" Nightmare called out.

Exactly.

"Hey, are you Nightmare?" a huge black bird flew in Nightmare's direction.

"Um, yeah. Why?"

"Oh, I'm the Watcher. My name is Chinpoko."

Nightmare looked puzzled. "Your name is Chinpoko? That sounds like a Pokemon name or something."

Suddenly, Pokemon battle music flared up. Ash appeared once more.

"Yaaa, I want to Poke battle you! I demand a rematch!"

"Son of a bitch, not you again!" Nightmare grunted. "Alright fine, let's do this!"

"Charizard! I choose YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!" He threw the Pokeball and a giant lizard popped out, breathing fire and roaring like a monster.

"OH MY GOD!" Siegfried yelled. "Chinpoko! I choose you!"

"Wait, what? I'm not going to WAAAAAA!" Nightmare kicked Chinpoko in the ass, straight toward Charizard. Charizard simply shot a fireball at Chinpoko. Chinpoko started running around, his feathers blazing with fire.

"Oh, oh dear God! It burns! It burns! SHIT!" Charizard stomped on Chinpoko, flattening him.

"Haha! Hahahahahahahaha! My Pokemon is stronger than your Pokemon! I will become a Pokemon Master before you! Though I have not seen a Chinpoko before. Maybe the Pokedex can tell me," He said.

"Alright, if you say "Poke" one more time, I'm going to take this sword of mine and "Poke" it straight up your…."

"My Pokedex does not say what a Chinpoko is. It maybe an extremely rare Pokemon. If I catch it, I will truly be closer to be a Pokemon Master!"

"That's it, you're going down! DIE!" Nightmare grabbed Soul Edge and sliced Ash in half.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ash cried just as he died. "And as for you, Mr. 'I think I'm so cool so I'm going to burn my Watcher to a crisp', meet Mr. 'I'm going to neuter you with this sword so I don't have to worry about reproduction when I take you as my pet SLAVE!'"

Charizard took off, flying high into the sky. Nightmare grabbed Chinpoko by the legs.

"Oh God, oh please, no….."

"Chinpoko, help me fly up there!"

"But you're too big! I'm not…."

"NOW, BIRD!"

"Fine, fine……"

Chinpoko flapped his arms as hard as he could. He couldn't even budge Nightmare. Using all his strength, and all his might, he flapped up to the skies. But Nightmare was just too heavy. Finally, Nightmare got tired of it.

"Oh, you're no use. I guess this will just have to do." He let go of Chinpoko, who suddenly zoomed into the sky. Nightmare took out a huge bazooka, and aimed at the flying dragon…..

A girl by the name of Helix Drombottomus sat quietly on the plane, reading something about dragons or anime or some kind of crap……anyways, the seat belt sign appeared, and the flight pilot said,

"Fasten your seat belts, we might be expecting some turbulence soon. Now, if you look on the left, you can see the Black Forest of Germany." The passangers on the left oooohed and aaaaaahed.

"Now, if you look on the right, you can see a flying dragon and a bazooka missile heading straight for Helix Drombottomus' seat. I suggest you look away from the window, as that's the only way you can dodge the bazooka missile and live."

"A dragon! Where!" Helix frantically looked out the window to see where it was.

"Ah, dammit, I missed! I hit that plane by mistake." He reloaded with another warhead. "Now, let's bring this lizard down!" He aimed at Charizard and shot him out of the sky. Charizard fell down in a spin, somewhere near the castle.

"Ha! Gotcha! Come on, Chinpoko, let's get a new pet!" Nightmare trotted off into the wilderness.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Chinpoko plummeted to the ground right behind Nightmare.

"Come on, Chinpoko, we don't have much time!" The Watcher got up slowly and then followed Nightmare into the forest.

They wandered the forest for some time, until they came across Charizard within the forest.

"ROAR!" Charizard rumbled as Siegfried latched a big leash around him. "Gotcha, you big lizard. That'll teach that dumb kid not to mess with me. Now I have his dinosaur. HAHAHAHA!" Nightmare laughed maniacally.

"Uh, Nightmare, where are we?" Chinpoko asked.

"Actually, I have no idea."

"You're going to be dead soon!" Ash's voice pierced the air. His body may have been destroyed, but his soul still lived on. Now, he was an entity different from any other stupid lame-ass anime kid.

"How are you going to do that, Ash? I destroyed your physical form. You have nothing now!"

"Oh yeah? I'm a spirit now! I can descend from this world……AND BECOME GOD!"

Wait, what the hell's he talking about---woah, woah, what the crap? What's happening?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!" The author yelled as he fell from the skies into the forest, next to Nightmare, Chinpoko, and Charizard. I have descended from my prison of this foolish story, no longer a victim of endless torment by this fool! I am free! And I shall deal with these mortals as I please!

"Ash! You shall never get away with this!" The author yelled, raising his fist into the air.

Ha! You are now the ant, and I the brattish kid with the magnifying glass! We have warred against each other for centuries, and for thousands of years, you have come on top, and I have fought hopelessly against you! But now, I AM THE MASTER!

"No! My powers! They are gone! Help me!" The author screamed. Fool. He is helpless now. Perhaps I shall set a few traps in the forest to deal with Nightmare, the author, and that bird, once and for all! Now, I am more than just a Pokemon Master! I have achieved unlimited power!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh yeah, and I guess I have to do this, too. Will Nightmare and the author die as they feel my wrath? Will Charizard learn to accept his new master for the short time that he is alive? Find out in the next installment of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story, where my reign of terror begins!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	18. We are sorry for the following subtitles

**CHAPTER 18: THIS IS MY WORLD, BEYOTCH!**

It appears that I have to keep a record of what people say in this story. Learn something new everyday, I guess. All small steps to becoming a Pokemon master.

"For generations, we have kept Ash under watch," the author said about me. "First, we were generous, we gave him his own realm. We called this "Pokemon", where he could continue his barbaric ways of kidnapping animals and forcing them to beat the crap out of each other. He corrupted Pokemon and turned it to his own twisted ways, destroying its reputation, and its popularity.

"But now, they entrusted me as his guardian. To keep him under watch, to make sure he didn't try to escape. He had to be punished. Now that he has died, he replaced himself with me. We must find a way to defeat him."

Chinpoko, the bird, replied, "But how can you defeat someone who controls the very universe you live in?"

"Perhaps Charizard knows. She has been with Ash longer than we have," Nightmare said. Wait, Charizard is not a girl!

"I'm pretty sure Charizard is not a girl," the author said.

"Well, I say he's a girl. I mean, SHE'S a girl. Right. Come, Charizard," He said, pulling on the chain. Charizard, tied up in a leash, with a pink bow around his

"Her," Nightmare reminded.

sigh her head, moved forward with the jerk. Nightmare turned to Charizard. "Charizard, old girl, what's the best way we can defeat Ash?"

"RAWR!" Charizard bellowed.

"Do I look Nicaraguan to you? IN ENGLISH, PLEASE!" Nightmare yelled.

"RAWR!" Charizard roared.

Nightmare shook his head. "The iguana thinks that I'm fricking Canadian. He won't stop speaking Frog."

"Uh, don't the Canadians speak English?" Chinpoko asked.

"You're forgetting a small sect that speaks French, Chinpoko," the author said.

Hmph. These fools bore me. Time for me to engage them in battle! Go, Thunderstorm!

And immediately, at my command, the winds picked up, pulling away the trees that sheltered my enemies! Rain poured upon them and drenched them through and through! Lightning struck from the clouds to the ground, threatening their safety!

"Oh, oh shit," the author panicked.

"Relax. I have Soul Edge. He can't hurt us. Well, he can't hurt me. You're probably screwed." He looked up into the sky. "Take your best shot, bitch!"

Fine then, if that's what you're asking, that's what you're getting. Nightmare raised his sword high into the air, and I sent a multitude of lightning to smite him down. Like a conductor, it struck the sword and began to course through his body. I released the lightning, and he stood, charred, his sword loosely in his hands.

"Is that all you've got? Why, I've been massaged harder than that! Do your worst!" Small electric bolts visibly coursed through his burnt body.

Alright, I'll give you another taste. ZAP!

"Come on!...I can….keep this……all day….."

ZAP!

"Still…..not feeling…..it…..ugh….."

ZAP!

ZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAP!

"Alright, we'll call it a draw."

"He's killing himself there!" The author screamed. The wind picked up and blew the other three away. That deals with them for now. It's your turn to DIE, Nightmare.

"_This is one bitchin' day,"_ Nightmare said shakily, his brain almost fried. He suddenly went back to his senses after I almost destroyed him. "Woah there. Almost lost track of both space and time. Lessee…….what's happening now," Giant spiders. An army of giant spiders marched towards them. Let's see, how can we make this even more interesting…..

Aha! Ninjas! Several ninjas armed with deadly swords! Yes! Let's see you get out of this one, dumbass!

"Hey, that's my word!" The author screamed through the whirling tornado.

Shut up, fool. You are not stronger than me. I am stronger than you. Great army of monsters, go!

"Uh oh. This could be a problem," Nightmare said to himself. He drew Soul Edge. "Time to put you in your place!" He lunged at the oncoming spiders and ninjas.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You think you can defeat them? HA! That makes me laugh. Bring it on!

"You forget that I have the power to rival that of the entire Heavenly Host, to bring down entire nations and whole kingdoms with just one swift strike of my blade, one mere stroke brings death and destruction to all that I deem unworthy to see the light of day again!"

Yes, and I control everything that happens here. So there.

"Whatever. Let's see you deal with this, you little prick!" The spiders and ninjas surrounded him. He swung his sword around him, the sheer strength of it generating electricity. The power forced the spiders away. The electricity grew, and suddenly, it shot out like a shockwave, passing through most of the entire spider army! The ninjas were in disarray, and carnage scattered throughout the battlefield!

"And, for the grand finale," Nightmare stuck his sword into the ground. There was a pause, and the remaining monsters stopped. Nightmare seemingly did nothing. The monsters took this chance and ran towards him. The giant spiders crawled towards him, their slimy teeth ready to gouge his poor defenseless throat. Once they got close enough, Nightmare pulled through.

"GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAW!" He pulled the sword from the ground. Instantly, the earth came up to it, and a burst of magma from the deep gushed forth, incinerating the spiders. Nightmare swung around and decapitated one that was flung towards him, and he impaled two ninjas at once.

Woah. Hello. He just destroyed 200,000 giant, monstrous spiders and 30,000 ninjas in about 5 minutes!

"YOU THINK I WAS KIDDING? THIS SWORD IS BITCHING! OH YEAH!" His voice bellowed throughout the air.

Wait, what's happening here? I'm getting a notice that I have to "kill a loyal fan". Oh well. Here goes.

A person by the name of Dark-dragon approached the scene. Dark-dragon, refusing to use pronouns because I don't know if he (she) is a boy or a girl, walked up to Nightmare.

"Um, excuse me, what just happened here?" He (she) asked.

"Oh, well, I just destroyed an infernal army of giant spiders sent by a megalomaniacal psychopathic anime character who has just taken over the universe," Nightmare said.

"What the…." He (she) looked around. There were dead spiders everywhere. He (she) looked at the spiders, then looked at the sky, then looked at Nightmare, then looked at the spiders, then back at Nightmare.

There was a pause.

"OH MY GOD! SPIDERS! SPIDERS! EEEWWW! BIG! NASTY! AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Woah, this person is causing quite a ruckus! I'll just kill him (her) myself. So then, a giant fish swallowed him (her) up.

"Wait, we're on LAND," Nightmare commented.

It doesn't have to make sense, fat boy.

"Kind of like how you just called me 'fat boy', even though I'm not even close to obese?"

Yeah, kind of like that.

"Oh well. Anything else you have to throw against me?"

Yeah, I can think of some things. Perhaps I'll just send the other three to die with you.

"OOOOMPH!" Chinpoko grunted as he fell to the ground. A giant squid let go of both the author and Charizard, and they slowly got up. The author looked in amazement.

"Woah, what just happened? You kicked ass!" The author exclaimed. His look of shock quickly turned into a devilish grin. "Yes, of course, you did kick ass. Yes. That's just fine."

"Um, what the hell are you talking about?" Nightmare asked.

"Nothing. No, I'm fine."

You'd better be, because you won't much longer. I'll just create four warriors to deal with you…..let's see…..I'm not very creative, so I'll just take ideas from other stuff and put them there…..hmmmm……let's take one from Tekken…….another from…..Nintendo, yeah, that's good…..and….a comic book character! Hah!

And, to top it off, I'll create a giant monster!

And so it happened, just like I said. An old yet muscular man with hair reminiscent of the Flash appeared. Next to him, an elf with a green garb and a sword and shield appeared. A demonic looking person with an axe, green eyes, and a black superhero suit also appeared.

Then, out of nowhere, a green monster with huge claws and a weird ball of mystical energy appeared……

Well, Nightmare, Chinpoko, The Author, and Charizard, meet Heihachi, Link, Spawn, and Necrid! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	19. Those who were have been sacked

**CHAPTER 19: SO, SO CHEAP**

Wait, what the hell?

Why did this take so long? I wanted to kill these people, and I had to wait, like, what? A month? What is the meaning of this?

"Oh, that. I….kind of had….exams……so, um, sorry……." The author said meekly.

Oh well, time to die!

Necrid jumped forward. Nightmare laughed.

"Oh, don't worry. I bet I can deal with this guy. After all, he's only ugly OH MY GOD!" Within two seconds, he was flying across the field, crashing into a great rock.

"What the hell!" Chinpoko yelled.

Ah, yes. You see, Necrid is a combination of Monster and Cheap. You cannot beat him. He is invincible due to his cheapness!

"That's what you think WAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" Nightmare screamed like a little girl as Necrid beat the ever loving snot out of him. The author shook his head.

"And to think, this guy was almost acting badass, he's back to normal."

"There has to be a way to defeat him!" Chinpoko said.

"I'm afraid there isn't. Necrid is way too cheap." The author stared as Necrid threw Nightmare around like a frisbee. My other three slaves, Heihachi, Spawn, and Link, advanced towards Chinpoko and the author.

"Go away! You don't even contribute to the storyline." The author told them. Wait. He seems to have gotten an idea. That can't be good.

"If we can't beat Necrid by force, we must cut off the source of his cheapness……so, we must get rid of his source….."

"So that means," Chinpoko said, "We have only one thing to do….."

"We must kill Todd MacFarlane!" The author cried. He pulled out a pistol, and ran away. Spawn, Heihachi, after him! Link, deal with the bird.

"Uh oh," Chinpoko said.

"Saiyah!" Link cried. He took out his sword.

"What?" Chinpoko asked.

"Hwoooahiyah!" Link swung the sword around. Chinpoko casually flew away from the blade.

"Can't you speak at all?"

"YAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Link threw a bomb at Chinpoko.

"Oh fu" That was all Chinpoko could say before the bomb blew up in his face. Heh. Stupid bird. Meanwhile, Necrid was repeatedly slamming Nightmare's head into a rock.

"Ow….ow….help….hurt…..pain….." He was about to fall out of consciousness when he heard a gunshot. The author came running back, his gun smoking. "I got the bastard!"

Nightmare looked at Necrid. Necrid looked at Spawn. They both looked at the author, then at Nightmare again. Both Spawn and Necrid blew up. Heihachi readied his fists.

"It's time to kick your ass!" he said. Nightmare simply stabbed him with Soul Edge. Oh no. I'm losing! Link, go get them!

"WHAAAAIYAH!" Link powered up for a beam attack.

"Hey, Link! Zelda said she's feeling a little horny," a voice said behind him. Link immediately turned around and ran in the opposite direction. Almost immediately, a featherless, smoking bird crushed his head with a giant mallet.

"YEAH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I GOT YOU!" Chinpoko yelled.

"Woah, dude. Calm down. It's Link. From a video game. A good video game. Chill," The author said.

"I'm sorry. Sorry, I lost control. I probably shouldn't have killed him. But he threw a bomb at me!" Chinpoko said.

"How are we going to deal with Ash?" Nightmare said. Fool! You cannot kill me now! I'm unstoppable!

"No, wait……if we could resurrect someone from the dead……using Nightmare's Soul Edge…..we could possibly……. Nightmare! Use Soul Edge to summon from the dead Yellingman!"

"Um, ok." Look's like I'll have to deal with that. Nightmare called from Soul Edge the soul of Yellingman he acquired from the psychotic mimes that killed him several chapters back. The soul materialized and took physical form. Then a giant chicken stepped on him, killing him once more.

"Dammit." The author said. "Curse you and your chickens!" He raved at me. He suddenly got another idea. Oh, what's he going to do now, beat me in a Pokemon battle? No one can do that. Heh.

"Nightmare, shoot me. I need you to shoot me."

"Ok." Without hesitation, he took out a pistol, aimed, and fired, right between the eyes. He fell to the ground, dead.

Well, that was stupid. One down, two to…..hey….wait…..what's going on?

Yeah, that's right, bitch! I'm back, and boy am I pissed at you!

No, wait, what, no……

"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Ash fell from the sky, down to the ground. Now, Nightmare! Kill him with Soul Edge, and steal his soul!

"Alright, fine!" Nightmare stabbed Ash with Soul Edge.

"You'll never truly kill me, Nightmare! I shall return!" He then fell down, dead. His soul was now captured in Soul Edge. And finally, I'm back in power! Huzzah!

Will Ash escape from the prison of Soul Edge? Will Nightmare realize that Charizard just simply disappeared between chapters? Will I be able to create chapters in lesser time? Find out on the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	20. Moose bites can be very deadly, mind you

**CHAPTER 20: THE ADVENTURES OF CHINPOKO PART 1**

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead! Time to go to work!" Nightmare yelled to the Watcher. Chinpoko groggily got up. Work?

"What work? I thought you were the one that was supposed to kill everybody."

"I can't. You see, my sword Soul Edge is weakened. I won't be able to kill to my full potential unless it's fully restored to its power. Therefore, as you are my Watcher, Chinpoko, I'm entrusting you to find me those pieces of Soul Edge so I can put them back together," Nightmare replied.

"Weakened? You were pretty much kicking ass the last few chapters!" Chinpoko yelled as he got off his perch.

"Well, that's when someone ELSE was writing the story!" Nightmare said. That's right. Ash sucks as a writer. I control your powers now, foo'!

"Yeah, don't do that. You're white," Nightmare said.

Or am I?

"No, I saw you, and I failed to see ANY form of pigment of any color of the light spectrum except white upon your skin. And they say when a white man acts gangsta, orphans die, so, don't do that."

So that's it…..

"What?"

Eminem is the source of all our problems……

"Yes, you just figured that out now?"

Anyways, Chinpoko was still against this whole idea. He spoke to Nightmare. "It's your own damn sword, why don't you do it?" he protested.

"I would, but………I can't. I've got, um……important business to…..um…..attend to."

"Then why do I see you, Cervantes, Astaroth, and Charade sitting at a poker table already playing Texas Hold 'Em?" Chinpoko persisted.

"You do not understand….I um…..gotta…finish….this….um, poker…..procedure," he said, turning away and resuming the game.

Chinpoko growled and flew away. He was to find one of the shards of Soul Edge and bring it back to you. Asshole. Get off your lazy butt and get it yourself! Anyways, Chinpoko flew until he came upon a strange land. This was where one of the shards was, so he flew in. The sign said "Welcome to Fa-land, the land of Fa."

"Apparently, this place is called Fa. Perhaps the best place to look for an expensive piece of evil metal is the king's palace. They usually keep that stuff as royal jewels or something." He flew up to the palace. One of the guards approached him.

"Why 'ello, little birdie," the man said with a thick accent. "Would you like to zee our Fa-king?"

"Excuse me, your what?" Chinpoko asked.

"Ze Fa-king. He eez ze king of all of Fa. Yet it eez our tradition among all of Fa to call 'im ze Fa-king. Fa-king Eediot, as Eediot eez 'is name."

Chinpoko looked puzzled a moment. He couldn't tell why that sounded so wrong. If you need help, say "Fa-king" pretty fast. Then you'll get it.

"Can I just call him the king of Fa?" Chinpoko asked.

"No! No! 'E eez ze Fa-king. Fa-king Eediot! We will take you to the Fa-king and 'iz mozzer. Ze Ker. Of course, we call 'er ze Fa-Ker, az she eez ze Ker of all of Fa. Mozzer Fa-Ker."

"Gulp Mother Fa-Ker?" Chinpoko asked, stifling back the laughter. Great. "Fa-king Eediot" and "Mother Fa-Ker". Just great. I'm not going to keep myself from laughing just by writing it, let alone say it when Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story: The Movie comes out.

Anyways, as they led Chinpoko through the palace, he couldn't keep thinking of those horrible, nasty puns those names presented. Finally, they approached the Fa-king. Heh.

"Oh, great Fa-King Eediot, and Mozzer Fa-Ker. We are 'onored to preezent to you thiz ambazzador from, where do you zay?"

"Nightmare," Chinpoko said. Everyone gasped.

"Zuch insolenze to our Fa-king! Keel him! Keel him! Off wiz 'iz 'ead!" the guard yelled.

"What? All I said was 'Nightmare'," he said. Everyone gasped once more.

"Do you not realize what you zay, little birdie? You zay such a bad vord in vront of our Fa-king and our Fa-Ker!"

"Alright, that's it." Chinpoko took out a flaming crossbow. "You see that thing?" he pointed it over to the shard of Soul Edge, hanging on the wall. "I need that. Give."

"No! No! Eet iz ze symbol of our Fa-king! Do not touch it!"

"NOW, YOU STUPID F!" Chinpoko screamed.

"No, zat iz ze Fa-Ker," the guard said, pointing to the queen. Chinpoko shook his head in disgust. Armed guards surrounded him.

"This is going to get reeeeeeeealllllly ugly," he said.

Meanwhile, back at Ostreihnsburg Castle….

"So, uh, what was that bird's name of yours?" Cervantes asked.

"Um, I can't remember. Hear, I'll raise you fifty." Nightmare said.

"WORMS!" Astaroth yelled. Charade put down his cards, and everyone groaned.

"Goddamit, Charade, I swear you're cheating!" Nightmare yelled. Charade flipped him off, and took everyone's chips. He had been winning every game so far. Charade then looked out the window, and pointed.

"Chinpoko's back? I almost completely forgot about his existence until…." Nightmare was cut short when Chinpoko crashed through the window, beaten, scarred, and burned, a glowing metal shard in his bruised beak, straight into the poker table, spilling the chips everywhere. Charade dropped his cigar in surprise.

"Dammit, Nightmare, your stupid bird ruined our game!" Cervantes yelled. "WORMS!" Astaroth got up and got a couple beers for him and Charade.

"Yes, I know, I know, but he's just not mature enough to understand what we do here! Now, Chinpoko, if you'll give me that shard, I'll rock you to sleep and change your diaper!" he cooed.

"I can talk, idiot," Chinpoko growled through the shard.

Charade moved his arms like he was saying something. They moved like he was explaining something, then pointed to Chinpoko, then pointed to himself, then moved very energetically. Everyone stared at him wide eyed.

"Woah there, Charade. I didn't know….you were….into that sort of stuff. Settle down. It's a bird. You do _not_ want to do that," Nightmare said. Charade pounded the table like he was Hitler. Chinpoko hopped slowly away from Charade, who was looking hungrily at him, and then flew away. Nightmare looked at the shard.

"Wait, what was this for? Oh well, I guess it's not important. Here, I'll add it to the ante! I'll deal next game!" Everybody raised their beers in agreement and lit their cigars. Ah, Poker night. What fun.

What will happen next? Will Nightmare succeed in his goal? Will anyone be able to defeat Charade in his terrible regime of Texas Hold 'Em? Will the people of Fa retaliate from losing their precious royal item? Will they realize the horrible puns in their royal titles? Find out in the next episode or possible several episode later of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	21. We apologize again

**CHAPTER 21: FAMILIAR FACES BEST LEFT UNSEEN**

Chinpoko woke up the next day, forgetting all about his meaningless slavery to Nightmare. He got up, flew down the stairs, where he was greeted by Nightmare.

"Good morning, Chinpoko! Ready for your next assignment?" Nightmare cheerfully asked.

"No," Chinpoko blankly said, passing Nightmare by without stopping. Nightmare stood there motionless for a second, wondering what just happened.

"Chinpoko, one way or another you're going to get me that shard of Soul Edge," Nightmare calmly said.

"Not today," Chinpoko said, getting the Pop-Tarts.

"Oh, hey, Charade! How's it going?" Nightmare yelled, walking away from the kitchen. Chinpoko was out that window in a second, busily looking for evil metal shards.

"Hehe, always works," Nightmare said. Chinpoko's a little bit scared of Charade. He finds his behavior a little…..out there when it comes to animals.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"That looks like a knock on the door!" Nightmare stated. He walked over to the door and opened it. Can you even guess who it was? Will we ever know? We will…..but first, a word from our sponsors!

That's right, we have no sponsors. Nobody likes us. My mistake.

Okay, back to the show. Nightmare opened the door and a familiar voice greeted him.

"Uhuhuhu, we return, monsieur!"

"What did I tell you about TALKING, sword?" Ivy yelled to the French sword.

"Ivy!" Nightmare exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah, it's me," Ivy said grimly. "Hey, I…."

"….am sorry that you doubted me? Have never really seen the good qualities in me? Have an uncontrollable, hot, steamy PASSION for my body, and could not wait to throw yourself upon me lest your lust consume your mind into madness!" Nightmare yelled, sweating like a pig, as he stepped disturbingly close to Ivy rather robotically.

"Um……..no. I was……just going to pick up some baggage that I left here. And run away and never see this place again." She quickly backed away from Nightmare, who was breathing extremely heavily, wide-eyed. She inched towards the door, disturbed by Nightmare still staring at her.

"You're creepy," Ivy said. Nightmare paused. Ivy ran upstairs to get her stuff. She got all her stuff into her suitcase and tried to rush out before Nightmare could react. Unfortunately, she had to stop to sneeze.

Then there was silence. The two just stared at each other.

"You wanna do it?" Nightmare asked.

"Sure," Ivy said.

"Really?" Nightmare asked.

"No."

"Aw, come on!"

"Alright, that's it. You're coming with me to see Ursula," Ivy yelled.

"Er, Ursula?" Nightmare questioned.

"Yes, Ursula the Feminazi Psychic. She has her own talk show that comes on after Montel. Not many people know about it because…..well, people usually turn off the TV before the end of Montel. But there are some women who watch her show. And you're coming with me on it, because you are a jerk and a pervert."

"Ursula the _Feminazi Psychic?_" Nightmare asked.

Yes, my friend. Ursula the Feminazi Psychic. Imagine Barbara Walters and Susan Estridge _combined_. That is the magnitude that we talk about here. She has her own talk show where women drag their husbands onto her show, where they complain about how much of a jerk he is, and then Ursula talks about how men have been oppressors in society and then the crowd boos at the man. It is the ultimate of man bashing talk shows. The _ultimate_.

Of course, Nightmare really had no choice in the matter, because before he knew it, Ivy was dragging him off to the studio.

"What'll I do, Soul Edge?" He asked his demonic blade.

"Burn! Evil! Destruction! Hate!"

"I wish it were that easy, Soul Edge. If only it were that easy."

Ivy and Nightmare sat backstage, waiting their turn. Nightmare peeked around the curtain to see what was going on. A small Filipino girl and a Korean kid with spiky hair were sitting on a couch with a 50 year old woman with obviously died blonde hair.

"I sense must deceit with this man, Talim. He may be cheating on you. No, he is." The old woman said.

"You bitch!" Talim screamed at Yun-Seong, slapping him. The crowd clapped.

"What the hell are you talking about, woman!" Yun-Seong yelled at Ursula.

"Ah, now I sense that he's keeping something else from you. Yes. Talim, Yun-Seong is gay and has been keeping it from you for years."

"Now wait just a minute! I'm not…….um…..gay," Yun-Seong said, blushing slightly and faking a cough.

Talim started to cry and ran away. Everyone booed at Yun-Seong. He ran after Talim, yelling that it's all a mistake.

"Next up, we have a young woman and a perverted man who just won't leave her alone. Here's Ivy Valentine and Nightmare!"

They both came up and sat down. Nightmare started.

"Now, I would just like to say….."

"Be quiet. Now, Ivy, can you tell us your side of the story?" Ursula asked Ivy before she upbraided Nightmare.

"Nightmare has always been a jerk towards me. Everyday was a new cheesy pick-up line, every day was a new way to spy on me, to even stalk me. He would yell at me, he would tell me what to do. I….."

"Now wait, I hired you for work! I was supposed to tell you what to do! I…."

"Did I let you talk? I sense much impurity in you. Go on Ivy."

"Well, one day I had learned that he wielded the evil sword, Soul Edge, something I vowed to destroy! And look, he's still holding it!" The crowd gasped as they looked at Nightmare's demonic sword.

"Kill! Murder! Abuse!"

"Yes, he got that sword from abusing and beating women, something he was trying to do himself to you," Ursula said, utilizing her "psychic" powers. Nightmare opened his mouth in shock. What the—?

"Alright, that's enough. Now, can I say my side of the story?"

"I believe we've heard enough here. Nightmare, you are an oppressor to women."

"Woah, woah, woah, woah. I love ladies. I love women. If women weren't around, how could we even survive?" gentle, happy, loving music started in the background. "Without women, there would not be a way to reproduce, and the human race would die out! Women and men need each other, as equals, to live in harmony and prosper as a human race," he said in an inspirational speech.

"That implies that you only respect women for sex and to have children. That views them as tools and objects," Ursula said.

Nightmare sighed and shook his head. "You know what, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry, Ivy, for being such a jackass," he said, turning to Ivy.

Ursula turned her back to Nightmare and looked to the audience. "You see, girls, men have a history to…."

SLICE! That and the splatter of blood was all that was heard as Nightmare chopped Ursula in half with Soul Edge, an opportunity well taken when Ursula had her back turned.

"Man she was annoying!" Nightmare yelled. Nightmare then turned to the audience. "Well, heh, this is awkward. Um……………………………keep it up, girls. Doing a fine job in life. Bye." Nightmare then ran out the door as fast as he could.

Chinpoko returned to Ostreihnsburg Castle with a big smile on his face. He flew in, rather pleased. "Did you know you can actually buy these things at Costco? I guess that's the reason why their video game selection SUCKS there. It's been affected by a source of evil energy."

"I learned something today, Chinpoko," Nightmare said.

"What is it?"

"I learned that everyone's equal. Men and women each have their own strengths and weaknesses, and that we should live together in harmony, with no sexism on either side. I believe that whether male or female, white or black, gay or straight, human or Michael Moore, we are all people made by God."

Chinpoko stared at him. "Dude, you are a godless killing machine. You shouldn't even be talking like that."

"Yeah, you're right. Wanna beer?"

Meanwhile, in the void of Chaos…….

"Yaaa! I wanna Pokebattle you!" Ash cried to Ursula amidst the swirl of evil energy.

"What is this place?" she asked.

"I don't know, but soon, it will be MY DOMAIN! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ash cackled.

What is this new devilry that Ash speaks of? Will Ursula the Feminazi Psychic be involved? Will I be able to write chapters faster? Find out on the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	22. Those who sacked them have been sacked

Deep in the laboratory of Dr. Menopause in the South Jersey Shore…….

"Gentlemen……behold!" Dr. Menopause exclaimed.

"Er….hey, isn't this just a stupid attempt to imitate Aqua Teen Hunger Force?" his new assistant, Steve, asked.

"………YOU FOOL! Can't you see this is totally original! Nobody's thought of this! I am invincible!" Dr. Menopause yelled.

"Yes, but not as invincible as the Mooninites," Ignignokt said.

"Yeah! Bow before our invincibility, bitch!" Err screamed.

**CHAPTER 22: STUPID FROGS!**

Chinpoko, the Watcher, grumbled as he flew. He was beginning to find being Nightmare's slave to be _very_ unpleasant. Every day he was sent out to find a piece of Soul Edge that was scattered across the world due to Nightmare's cataclysmic battle with the holy sword, Soul Calibur. Unfortunately, he couldn't do anything about it. Chinpoko was just a stupid bird and that bastard had a humongous sword. Anyway, he risked life and limb to get these things, and he wasn't even paid. Oh well.

WHAM! While Chinpoko was pondering about his miserable life, he flew straight into a castle wall. Black feathers flew as he smacked against the hard stone. Just by luck, his talons grasped into small crevices in the rock so he didn't fall to a most painful death in the moat below. Yet this proved to be fortunate, as he could hear voices from beyond the castle wall.

"Amy, will you stop wearing that stuff? It's embarrassing!" A French man yelled from inside.

"Hey there, dad. This is what I am. If you can't deal with it, then leave," A little girl answered.

"Of course I can deal with it, honey," the Frog said almost apologetically, "But the black lipstick? The black nail polish? White makeup, and black clothing! I did not raise a Goth, Amy!"

"Oh come on, Dad. This is the 16th century. Things change. So does the fashion."

"Amy, I am your father, and I saw that you are NOT going out like that!" the Frenchman yelled.

"Oh, it's not like you're my father anyway. My REAL father would have been nicer!"

"Amy, we've been through this. You may have been adopted, but I make the rules here. You know what? I'm just going to go to tour random German cathedrals without you. You're grounded until you change your clothing and your attitude, young lady!"

"But Da.." she couldn't even finish her reply when he shut the door. Chinpoko listened intently, and then flew away.

"Wow, that looks like something that probably won't have to deal with the main story at all in the future! Well, I guess it's time to get back to Paper-Machete Arm. He'll be wanting to know where this Soul Edge piece is."

Back at Ostreihnsburg Castle, a random German cathedral……

Nightmare was on the computer, busily playing World of Warcraft. He was playing as a Gnome named Charo. Everyone he came across just seemed to laugh at him, and he didn't know why. Well, little Charo walked the corridors of the dark, evil dungeon when he came across a big, burly monstrous Orc carrying a humongous warhammer. He also had a giant claymore slung on his back, his armor was made of dragonscales and his helm was from a human skull. The Orc spoke to Charo.

"Hey there, cute little Gnome. I want to hug you!"

"Smooch-Smooch?" Nightmare asked the Orc.

"That's me! Hug now!"

Great. He's back. Ok, time to directly intervene with my divine powers into this game!

The dungeon began to rock. Suddenly, a giant dragon burst through, and countless level 99 soldiers of the Burning Legion poured through, tearing Smooch-Smooch's Orc and Nightmare's Charo to pieces!

"Oh, STRAWBERRY," Nightmare said. "Wait, what? I tried to say KOALA, and strawberry came out."

Oh, sorry. A lot of people got offended by the cussing that's going on, so I had to censor everything that goes on. So every time you say MEMBRANE, APPLE, PENGUIN, YO-YO, or ERNEST BORGNINE, you'll come up with….well, words like that.

"Man, that's PIKACHU!" Nightmare grunted. Now, his language has been censored! What now?

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Nightmare went to open the door. Suddenly, without warning, a bunch of ninjas jumped out, each bearing the word "Vicks" on their kimonos. A man stepped forward.

"Long time, no see, Nightmare. Are you prepared to die?"

"Oh no! Dick Dastardly!" Nightmare yelled. "I thought you were thrown into a pit of acid filled with Man Eating Gerbils and blood sucking zombie werewolves!"

"It takes more than that to deal with me, Nightmare! Wait, that wasn't how you dealt with me. How did he?" Dastardly asked.

Actually, you just kind of disappeared after Chapter 16. Where were you?

"What happened is irrelevant. What matters now is that I have you now, and that I shall defeat you utterly and completely! I know all about Soul Calibur and what it can do to you, Nightmare."

"Soul Calibur! But I thought that disappeared after my climactic battle with its wielder, Xianghua!"

Actually, I don't remember if that was actually in that chapter. You guys just wait a second, let me take a look…….

"So, how's your summer been?"

"Oh, pretty good. I've been a bit lazy, though, not doing much. How about you?"

"Well, I found out that I was gay."

"Really! That's kind of weird."

"Yeah, I just noticed it a couple weeks ago."

"Well, um, good for you."

"And I say that I'm going to be an advocate for gay rights! We need to be outspoken! I will fight, for if my name isn't…."

Okay, I'm back. Yeah, Soul Calibur was in that chapter. It's been a while, and I'm already forgetting parts of this story. I guess Captain Planet was the main highlight of that chapter anyway, and not Soul Calibur. Anyway, proceed.

"Time to die, Nightmare……AUGGGHHHH!"

Nightmare impaled Dick Dastardly with Soul Edge, instantly killing him. The Nyquil ninjas reacted, jumped at Nightmare. Nightmare swung his sword to the left, then raised it to block an uppercut. Nightmare screamed in rage and lifted his sword high up in the air, and then ran for his life. The ninjas jumped after him.

"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGH!" Nightmare screamed like a little girl. He looked around and saw that he was surrounded by the Nyquil ninjas. They raised their swords, preparing to strike……..

…..And I'm kind of out of ideas on how he's going to get out of this one, folks.

"What! You mean I'm just stuck here? HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Nightmare screamed at me.

Just wait a second! I need time to think…….

**KAMEHAMAHA! And suddenly, a great Saiyan Spirit Blast incinerated the Nyquil ninjas. Victory was at hand for our hero.**

Why thank you, Goku. I was kind of in a pickle there.

**I am but a mighty warrior. Will Nyquil fight back against the Azure Knight? Will the evil forces gathering within Soul Edge unleash their evil plan? Will Piccolo be able to defeat Majin Buu? Find out on the next episode of Dragon BALL ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

Okay, Goku, you can kind of, um, get out of my house. Now.


	23. Now, something completely different

**CHAPTER 23: THE ADVENTURES OF CHINPOKO: PART 2**

Chinpoko silently and peacefully flew through the beautiful gardens inside the forest. He loved this time of day. The flowers began to wake up, the sun began to shine on the meadows. Butterflies floated in a ritual and almost religious dance in the air, a sort of ode to nature and the heavens. He breathed in and felt at peace.

Suddenly, his wrist genie began to buzz. Looking at his wing, he saw on the monitor Nightmare's face. "Chinpoko," he said statically through the white noise. "We have found your next mission."

"Talk to me," Chinpoko replied.

"The next shard of Soul Edge is located in a building in a nearby college. It should be found in one of the classrooms. You must enter the college, and covertly acquire the metal before anyone can see you. If anyone should spot you, I will immediately abort the mission, so you must GET OUT OF THERE."

"Roger," Chinpoko said.

The wrist genie then said "This will self-destruct in 5…4….3….2….1…." Chinpoko immediately tried to squirm his wing off the wrist genie, fruitlessly, before it exploded in a cloud of silly string.

"What a wackjob," Chinpoko said, and flew off into the distance.

Chinpoko continued to fly until he reached his target. He reached the campus of the college in about three hours of flight. Using his handheld navigator, ONCE AGAIN ignoring the fact that he is in the 16th century, he pinpointed the exact building in which the shard of Soul Edge would be located. Flying towards said building, he landed on the sidewalk in front of it, ready to open the door.

"Woah, woah, woah there, little birdie," some college student said. "You can't pass here."

"Give me three REALLY GOOD reasons why I shouldn't," Chinpoko asked cynically.

"You can't cross the picket-line. This is a protest."

"May I ask what this protest is about?" Chinpoko asked, getting rather annoyed.

"We're protesting about our new president, Becky Gonzales. We don't think she is the proper president for this college."

"That's totally insa….hey, wait, what is the college anyway?" Chinpoko asked.

The college kid answered, "Montague University for Retarded People."

"Oh? You don't look like you are mentally disabled," Chinpoko said sympathetically.

"No, are minds are not retarded, _we_ are retarded. Do you have a problem with that?" the college student asked.

"Uuuuuuuuuh, no. And why don't you like this president?" Chinpoko asked.

"She's not retarded enough."

"Aha. So you're protesting her being here, am I not correct?"

"You are correct."

"And that means that you won't be letting anyone in the building."

"Yeah."

"That includes students."

"Yep."

"And teachers."

"Yup."

"Even really pissed off birds with preference of a shotgun?" Chinpoko asked.

"Yeah, even….wait, what?" The college student replied.

Samuel Hul, usually known as S. Hul, watched from afar the protest. They weren't allowing anyone to get into the building. Classes could not go on. Nothing could go on. S. Hul was engineering the entire event, and he felt rather pleased. He figured, with his logic, that if people walk in front of a building, hold signs up and scream really loudly, your problems will be fixed. Like Wile. E Coyote with massive amounts of brain damage. Hold up signs and scream really loudly.

"Mr. Hul, Mr. Hul!" S. Hul's assistant said, running into his presence.

"Haven't I told you to call me by my preferred name, Sunuv A. Betsh?"

"Fine, S. Hul. Sir, we have a problem," Sunuv A. Betsh said frantically.

"What problem do we have?" S. Hul asked.

"Well, Cuk Soka is on the campus grounds, dead, as if he was hit in the head with a shotgun!"

"What? Who would do this?" S. Hul yelled in panic.

"Well, eyewitnesses said a black bird was talking to him, then grabbed a shotgun and blew his head off. But that can't possibly be it! Birds cannot shoot shotguns!"

"We got to really find out who shot Cuk Soka! The protest can't go on if we don't! Quickly, Sunuv A. Betsh! With haste!"

Wow, they really are retards, aren't they? They do have interesting names, though. Where have I heard those names before……? Gosh, they seem familiar…..

Anyways, Chinpoko entered the college building. This building in particular studied Archaeology. Yeah, you're not getting a punch line out of me with this. Can't think of anything here. Well, Chinpoko searched each room when he saw what he came for. The red metal glimmered an evil light. Chinpoko grabbed the shard of Soul Edge and ran off.

"Death! Evil! Murder!" It said angrily.

"You shut up, or I'll give you a bath…..in holy water!" Chinpoko threatened. "Then I'll make you receive Holy Communion!"

It kind of shut up after that. You can break evil objects to do anything with threats like those.

Meanwhile, S. Hul and Sunuv A. Betsh investigated the murder of Cuk Soka. S. Hul suddenly got an idea.

"Hey, maybe it WAS a little black bird that killed him! Everyone! Listen up!" He yelled to the protesters. "Cuk Soka has been murdered by a black bird! We need all your help in finding this bird! Quick! Everyone scatter so that there is an obvious clear path through the doorway!"

Everyone, being…..well, retards, obeyed. Chinpoko walked out the door, and was confronted by S. Hul.

"Excuse me, but we're looking for a black bird. You're a black bird."

Yes, indeed, Chinpoko was a black bird.

"And this black bird carried a shotgun around with him. You have a shotgun with you."

Given the evidence, Chinpoko did have a shotgun in his hand at that very moment.

"Any chance you know this guy?" S. Hul asked. Chinpoko was halfway loading his shotgun when he stopped. Oh, dammit. This just gets too funny.

"Oh yeah. I think he just ran into that crowd," Chinpoko said, pointing to the scattering protesters. "Perhaps, for good measure, you should make a huge explosion, just in case you miss him."

"Good point. Sunuv A. Betsh, prepare the heat-seeking missile! Aim it into the protesters! We'll catch this bird without missing him at all! Are we ready, Betsh?"

"Yes, sir!"

"On the count of three! 1……2……3……"

As Chinpoko flew back the Ostreihnsburg Castle, Nightmare casually read the newspaper. Chinpoko placed the shard of Soul Edge onto the table.

"Here's my catch of the day," Chinpoko said.

"Did you know that there was a massive explosion that destroyed an entire college today?" Nightmare asked.

"No way!" Chinpoko said, astonished.

"Yeah, it was that college for retards. Not mentally disabled people, mind you, just idiots. I heard there was this really stupid protest about the president not being retarded enough or something. Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore, they're all dead, right! Bwahaha!" Nightmare said, relishing in the bad news with glee.

"Yeah……" Chinpoko replied.

"Gasp!" Nightmare literally said.

"What?" Chinpoko asked, alarmed.

Nightmare threw down the newspaper, with the headlines, "FRENCH MAN SEEKS TO FIND SOUL EDGE"

"Do you know what this means? I'm going to have a Frenchman in my house! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Will Nightmare deal with the oncoming conflict? Will he be able to get over the fact that he will have to get near a Frenchman, with his disgusting body odor, sneering accent, and…..disgusting body odor? We'll find out, on the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	24. A man with a tape recorder up his nose

**CHAPTER 24: THE SECOND FINAL BATTLE OF WHICH THERE ARE THREE AT THE MOMENT……MAYBE**

Raphael approached Ostreihnsburg Castle. Great black birds flew in the evil fog that surrounded the moat. He breathed in the murky air. A mosquito landed on his arm. Slapping it, he noticed that his skin was cold. Ice cold.

"So this place chills the very blood itself! No matter, I must do anything for Amy! That child will get some decent clothes, even if I must go to the clothes store myself! I will have none of that emo crap in MY HOUSE. No goth clothing. No more cutting of the wrists, no more sighing, and CERTAINLY no more Green Day. Okay. Here I come."

Drawing his rapier, he slowly walked through the bridge and into the castle.

On the security camera, Nightmare watched Raphael's every move. Chinpoko flew next to him.

"Um, if you're trying to keep him out, then why did you leave the bridge DOWN?"

"Well, how else is he going to get in?" Nightmare asked, puzzled.

"But you said you wanted him out," Chinpoko protested.

"My dear Chinpoko, there's a difference between _wanting_ and _needing._"

"So, you're saying you NEED this guy in your castle?"

"Oh, heavens no. I need nobody!" Nightmare exclaimed.

Chinpoko already decided not to get into this. "Okay, well, he's in already, so you probably should go kill him. After all, your Soul Edge is pretty much complete, and all you need is….." Chinpoko checked the Soul-o-meter gauge on the sword, "….1 more soul before it is completely restored. How convenient."

Nightmare nodded his head. "Okey dokey then." He went down the stairs as Chinpoko shook his head in disgust, to meet his long time enemy that he just knew of 5 minutes ago.

Wow, this story is just full of nonsensical statements, isn't there? I must be a PENGUIN bad writer.

Oh, ZIPPY, not this ORANGES piece of SEESAW censorship thing I was forced into doing! I hate it when my foul language is replaced with obviously stupid and meaningless words! And, since we're about to get into a battle, I guess we'll be hearing a lot of this…….(sigh)…….

Nightmare meditated before his great battle. He knew he would be put to the test. All his strength, all his powers would be needed in order to defeat this powerful foe. Suddenly, a feeling came over him.

No, not that kind of feeling, you pervert!

No, he could sense his enemy drawing near. He was getting closer. It suddenly overwhelmed him. He could not control it. Please stop giggling, you perv.

"Um, excuse me, but where can I find a smaller size for this……"

"YAAARGH!" Nightmare yelled. He grabbed his sword, staring at Raphael right in the eye. Raphael was holding a bunch of sweatshirts.

"Um, actually, I just need….."

"No more talking. I wish to kill my victims silently."

"Oh-ho! Well, if it's a fight you want, then it's a fight that you won't get." He dropped the sweatshirts and held up his hands. "We surrender!"

Nightmare stopped. "Well, that was easy." He walked over to Raphael. Raphael laughed like Errol Flynn and drew his rapier, cutting off a little bit of Nightmare's suddenly red hair. Wasn't he blonde before?

"No! My suddenly red hair!" Nightmare whined. Raphael swung his rapier around before him.

"You're too weak for that, aren't you?" Raphael asked, being all Jack Sparrow/Robin Hood.

Nightmare was overcome with rage. How DARE he touch his hair. "You conceited, wretched HUMAN!" Nightmare lunged at him, swinging Soul Edge like a maniac.

"Burn! Death! Vice!" Soul Edge snarled.

"Don't worry, I'll just block this humongous sword with my uselessly thin blade! Haha!" Raphael swung upwards to block the blow.

Well, I would have given him an A for effort. But for results, get out of my classroom, bitch, you too stupid!!

As Raphael soon learned, little envelope cutters like that cannot deflect blows from disturbingly huge zweihanders. Raphael fell down, his blade, which SHOULD have broken, let loose from his hand. Soul Edge had pierced his heart, and he was just about to die. All he could see now is the looming shadow of Nightmare.

Nightmare raised his sword to deal the finishing blow. Then, suddenly, something happened.

He was transported to a strange place. Before him were several people, which he only vaguely remembered. One of them stepped forward. He had a red cap, a blue vest, a green backpack, and several red and white balls on his belt.

"Yaaa! It's time for you to die!"

"Ash?" Nightmare asked.

"Yes, say hello to your NEW RULER OF SOUL EDGE! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"No way. Really?" Nightmare exclaimed hopelessly.

"Yes, that previous one proved very easy to beat once you have a garden hose with you. Now, I order you to kill Raphael so you can complete my power. Do it now!"

Nightmare thought for a minute. "You know what? I don't want to take orders from you. So no."

"Do it, or I'll send out Ursula. And I'm sure she'll give some boring, offensive feminazi lecture to you. Obey me. You know you want to."

"Oh HELL NO!" Nightmare went to grab Soul Edge to slice Ash in half, but it wasn't there. Ash had it in his hands.

"Isn't it nice to know that I control your actions now? And that I have Soul Edge, and you are weaponless? I think it is. Michael Moore, Donny Osmond, tie him down. It's time for the new infernal host to pay their dues to Nightmare. Who has the porno starring Hillary Clinton?"

"AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" Nightmare screamed. I seriously don't blame him.

Suddenly, Raphael took his chance to strike. He thrust his rapier into the eye of Soul Edge. Ash, who was about to put the tape in, let out a horrible scream. It echoed out of the physical Nightmare's mouth. Nightmare dropped to his knees, and dropped Soul Edge on the ground.

Siegfried rose back up. He took his helmet off. Looking around, he suddenly jumped up for joy. "I'm free again! Whoopee!"

Back in the void of Chaos, Ash got back up. "You'll never win, Siegfried! I got the Soul Calibur right here, and you'll never be able to use it to destroy me! You'll never…." He looked and saw that it wasn't there.

"Where the HAPPY is my Soul Calibur?" Ash asked angrily.

"Uh, well, Siegfried was holding it last when you two were struggling to get him tied down," Tom Cruise said.

Back in the physical world, Siegfried noticed a bright blue sword in his hand.

Back in Chaos, Ash noticed that he didn't.

"Oh, crap."

Siegfried plunged the sword deep in the eye. Soul Edge screamed, "Blood! Evil! Zoophilia……" and then went silent.

"Finally, it shut up……"

The two blades suddenly began to react. In a bright flash, the Soul Calibur fused with Soul Edge and became the Soul Embrace. Siegfried, now at peace, took a deep breath.

"Now it is time to get rid of this accursed armor!" Ripping off the armor he wore so much, he smashed it to pieces with his old sword, Requiem, which just HAPPENED to appear out of nowhere.

"Now it is time to make amends. I will leave this place forever, and find a way to destroy Soul Edge once and for all." With that, he set off into the distance. Little did he know he had no clothes under that armor.

Should I tell him?

Naaaah.

Stay tuned for the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	25. And now, for something more different

**CHAPTER 25: EVIL RETURNS**

It was weeks before the great battle between Nightmare and Raphael. Siegfried had left Ostreihnsburg Castle with the Soul Embrace, hoping to destroy Soul Edge and never have to be Nightmare again. As for the frog, well, no one cares really. All that was left was Chinpoko, who found living in the castle all by himself quite nice.

"Ah, yes. Nothing like living in a place all by yourself without some stupid ass serial killer to baby-sit. I'd guess it's time to make myself another martini, the guests for the party are about to come, hehe." Chinpoko truly was living the life. He had a king's robe covered with dollar signs over him, sun glasses and a cane made of chrome. On his wings were several rings. His neck was covered in bling. He had turned that dusty, crumbly castle into a mansion. He had set up a pool in the backyard, high definition televisions, with an Xbox 360 for each one.

Er, I mean, PS3! PS3! Don't hurt me, Namco!

So, Chinpoko was living the pimp lifestyle. The crushed armor of Nightmare was still there, he used that as wall decorations. He sat upon the throne he had got made for himself, and heard the doorbell ring.

"Look's like my homies are here. Come on in, you're all welcome!"

The door bust open, and several black gangstas and rappers came in, led by a man clothed in white, holding a scythe. Chinpoko met them at the door.

"Wassup, homies?" Chinpoko asked, holding up his wing for a high five.

"Yo, wassup, dawg! I see you're chillin' like a villain, my man!" the man with the scythe said.

"Fo' schizzle, Zasalamel," Chinpoko said, turning on his cane.

"Back to you, my nizzle!" Zasalamel laughed.

Some black guy pointed to the armor on the walls. "What's this, dawg?"

"Eh, some white guy lived here once. He wasn't cool. He was cramping my style," Chinpoko said. "But he doesn't live here anymore."

"Man, that's not ghetto," Zasalamel said.

"Not ghetto at all, man," Zasalamel's homies said.

"Yo, wanna check out my pool? It is SO gangsta!"

Really, do any of you understand what these guys are saying? Can I have a black guy translate for me? I mean, I'M writing this and I don't know what they're talking about. Dammit.

As they were about to walk outside, a chilled voice rang through the air.

_GET OUT._

"What was that?" Zasalamel asked. Everyone drew their guns, aiming them sideways.

_OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT!_

"Tell me I didn't hear that, dawg! Not cool!" One of the homies said.

_I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL DEFEAT YOU IF YOU DON'T LEAVE! LEAVE OR ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE!_

"Listen, dawg. Be cool. Be cool. Maybe we can work something out. Ummm…..any idea what we can work with here, guys?" Zasalamel asked.

Everyone was silent.

_I WANT A BODY. A HOST. AN EARTHY VESSEL TO CONTINUE MY FEAST OF SOULS. _

Everyone froze. Chinpoko dropped his cane.

_**NOW!** DO SO OR YOU WILL FACE MY MIGHTY CHANCE OF VICTORY!_

"Man, this guy sounds so white," one guy said.

All the guys grabbed the armor off the walls. Chinpoko looked around, and realized what was about to happen.

"No. No, come on, guys, not the armor…..you don't know what that means to me! That means I'll have to deal with him again……come on, dawgs! Be cool! Be ghetto! Aw, what the hell does ghetto mean anyway?" Chinpoko complained in disgust. He threw all his pimp-wear and sulked in the corner.

_FOR ALL THESE WEEKS...I HAVE KEPT THE REMNANT OF MY SPIRIT ALIVE THROUGH THIS ARMOR...THE MEMORIES OF SIEGFRIED SCHAUFFTEN KEEP MY BEING CONSCIOUS...IF I CANNOT BECOME A POKEMON MASTER, I SHALL TAKE SIEGFRIED'S PLACE AS THE AZURE KNIGHT!_

The armor was thrown into a pile. Zasalamel, stepping forward, suddenly got an idea. Smiling, he said, "Okay, dawgs, time to step back. I took magic lessons during my time at Hogwarts. Okay." Holding out his hands, he spoke in a ancient and incomprehensible tongue.

"atosinoialskdfjiaonifohibnoiasifdgoiasoinbipaisdnboiansdiblkcjoasidn!" Zasalamel cried.

Lightning pierced the bright blue sky, striking the armor. The earth shook, and a bright flash occurred. Everyone closed their eyes. When they opened, the clouds went dark.

"Dammit, so much for the pool party," one of the black guys said.

Standing before them was a demonic knight in blue armor. His red eyes pierced through the evil helmet. In one hand, he held a strange, demonic sword with a green, disturbing eye. The other hand was mutated, deformed; on his shoulder he had a monstrous mouth with humongous teeth gaping for blood and flesh.

"Haha! It worked!" Nightmare laughed. Lunging upon Zasalamel, who didn't move, he cleaved the guy in two. Everyone stepped back in fear.

"Oh my God, he killed Zasalamel!" Stan cried.

"You bastards!" Kyle screamed.

Nightmare, or Ash Ketchum, let out of monstrous cry of laughter. Rained seemed to pour down, in a desperate attempt by nature to cleanse the earth of this new foul creation. All too fruitless.

"Anyone else?" Nightmare-Ash asked.

"Um, no, I think we were leaving." And before you could say "cracker!", they were out of there.

"Ah, Chinpoko! There you are!" Nightmare-Ash walked over to the cowering, sobbing bird hiding in the corner. "Do not worry, I will not be as stupid as your previous master."

"You…you won't?" Chinpoko asked.

"Of course not," Nightmare-Ash said, with his mutated fingers crossed.

"Well then," Chinpoko said, bowing, "What can I do for you, master?"

"FIND ME A TRUE HOST! This body is temporary, it will not be able to last. Go, Chinpoko, fly! Find me a body, find me souls….."

And he added with a grim note,

"And find me Siegfried!"

Will Zasalamel ever come back from the dead? Will he come back to life? Will he be resurrected from the grave? Will this new evil demon, Ash, win in this fight against all that is good? Or will Siegfried survive his never ending hatred? Find out in the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!

Meanwhile……

"Ugh, where the hell am I?" Zasalamel said, now fully in one piece.

"Dammit! Not again!" This has been happening to him for centuries. Ever since he learned the arts of evil black magic from the Florida Gators college basketball team, he had been in a constant cycle of reincarnation, or in this story, constant revival. It really got monotonous and a little annoying after the first, say, 10,000 times it's happened.

"I hope this new Nightmare will help me in my gangsta plan! Fo' schizzle!" With that, he left the castle.


	26. A man with a tape recorder

**CHAPTER 26: AS IF THEY COULDN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE REVEALING**

Siegfried walked through town. He had never felt happier in his life, and even though it was in the middle of a storm, it looked very bright and sunny. Siegfried breathed in the dank, smelly ozone and smiled.

"Man, it's great being able to walk through town, seeing people and not having an overwhelming urge to slaughter them all like a butcher. I like being normal. Isn't that right, Soul Edge?"

"Mmmrph…….Rmmmph…..mmmmph!" It murmured.

"Oh, that's right! You CAN'T talk! You can't do jack now that I've impaled you with Soul Calibur! I'm going to have a fun time trying to get rid of you once and for all. _A lot of fun,_" he snickered.

"YOU!" Some guy yelled. Siegfried only had a little time to dodge the incoming lance flying right at him.

"Jesus, man! You almost killed me….." His voice kind of died when the man took out a knife and put it at his throat.

"Allow me to finish the job, then," he said softly. Siegfried grabbed his sword, Requiem, and struck him down.

"What the HELL are you doing?!" Siegfried asked.

"Stop killing me, I've got to kill you!" The man yelled, trying to get back up. Siegfried kicked him back down.

"Why?" Siegfried replied.

"Some guy told me you were Nightmare! You murdered my family! It's now my time for vengeance!"

"Asshole! Describe him to me!" Siegfried yelled, filled with rage.

"Well, he was black, spoke ghetto, clothed in white and had a large scythe."

"Well, I'm not Nightmare. Get it?"

"Oh, that's good. It would be very bad if I killed you, thinking you were."

Siegfried nodded. "I'm going to find that bastard and stop him from bringing back my memories." Siegfried walked away.

"Godspeed, traveler!" The dying man said. "Oh, hey, um, are you going to, you know, help me? I'm kind of bleeding……a lot……hello?"

Chinpoko flew at great speed back to Ostreihnsburg Castle. Darting through the window of the keep, he searched the halls for the azure knight. Nightmare, himself, was interviewing someone for a job.

"So, um, what made you decide to work for me?"

"I find incredible pleasure in taking away innocent people's lives in horrifying manners," the girl said gleefully. She giggled slightly.

"What are your skills?"

"Well, I'm a good acrobat. I'm athletic, and I can kill a child in less than 2 seconds, with them still feeling pain," she giggled sweetly.

Chinpoko burst through the door. "Nightmare I have an emergenOH MY GOD what the hell are you doing with that slut?!" Chinpoko was not far off the truth, for the girl's green clothes were ripped in ways that just barely keeps it a T rated story.

The girl leapt out of her seat and took out a shotgun. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME YOU WINGED RAT BASTARD! WRAAAAAAAARGH!" The girl fired the shotgun, blowing a hole straight through the door, which fell to the ground. Chinpoko took cover behind a statue, which was decimated by another shotgun shell.

"DIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!" She grabbed her weapon, a ring blade, and lunged upon the now crying Chinpoko. The watcher cowered, but Nightmare stayed the psychotic girl's hand.

"Enough, Tira. This pet has further uses," he said.

"Okey dokey, teehee!" she giggled. She petted Chinpoko on the head and went skipping out of the room.

"Why in the hell did you hire a bipolar whore?" Chinpoko yelled.

"What did you need to tell me?" Nightmare asked.

"Oh. Sir, a great army is minutes from besieging the castle. The army seems to number over 10,000. We need to find a way to escape the castle."

"Pssssh, I can deal with them, I'm Nightmare!" the azure knight said boldly.

"Uh, that doesn't really make me feel confident," Chinpoko said, as Ash, in the form of Nightmare, marched out of the castle.

As the great army marched forward, Nightmare stood against them. The army stopped. The general walked forward.

"Ver eez your bird?" He asked.

"Why are you asking?"

"Vee are ze people of Fa. Your bird haz insulted our Fa-king and our Mozzer Fa-Ker. Surrender, or die!"

"Bring it on!" Nightmare brandished the phantom Soul Edge. All of the soldiers of Fa drew their weapons.

"For ze Fa-King!" They all ran towards the azure knight, and their death.

As the slaughter commenced, Zasalamel watched on top of a cliff. He winced.

"Damn, brother! I definitely didn't need to see THAT. Damn! I didn't know you could fill a valley with blood so fast! Man, this Nightmare is BEAST!" With that, he walked away.

"Retreat!" The general yelled. "Vee shall meet again, Nightmare! Our Fa-king shall be avenged!"

As more oppose him, his power grows……can there ever be an end to the destruction? Will Siegfried be able to defeat Nightmare, and send him back to where he belongs, in his ancient memories? Will he be able to stop Zasalamel from giving him a bad name? Will Chinpoko be able to deal with working with a bipolar slut? Find out, in the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


	27. up his brother's nose

**CHAPTER 27: A MISSED OPPORTUNITY**

Nightmare and Chinpoko were sitting around in Ostreihnsburg Castle, doing practically nothing. Tira was out on patrol around the castle grounds, and nothing was good on TV.

"You know what really annoys me?" Chinpoko asked, taking a sip of his Budlight.

"Rosie O'Donnell?" Nightmare said.

"Well, mostly, yes," Chinpoko said. "But mainly when you think of philosophical questions that you can't answer."

"How so?" Nightmare asked.

"Well, think. Do we really exist? Perhaps existence is merely a matter of perception. Maybe there is nothing beyond our own senses, that what we cannot see does not have a shape, that what we cannot hear has no sound, that what we cannot taste tastes like nothing at all. Perhaps a human being is merely a consciousness, there in the void, given only senses in which we simulate a world around us. But if nothing exists beyond our senses, what of other people? Do they not exist? Do we exist to them? Does existence exist?" Chinpoko said quickly.

Nightmare paused. "Rosie O'Donnell annoys me a lot," he said.

"Yeah, me too."

Meanwhile, Siegfried, in a search to clear his own name, decided that he couldn't find the man hurting his reputation by land. In order to travel by sea, he laid on the beach for three days until all a matter of sea creatures came crawling towards him. Then, on the third day, he got up, rustled up a couple of sea turtles and made a raft.

Oh, and what did he use for rope? Human hair. From his back.

"Dude, you SERIOUSLY have watched Pirates of the Caribbean way too many times," Siegfried said.

……….shut up………

Well, he really just bought one. The sea turtle thing sounded a bit more exciting, but, uh, Jack Sparrow already did that before, so it wasn't very original. So, in order to row the boat, Siegfried traveled to a great prison tower and used the arm of a skeleton to row himself through the water.

Dammit, Jack Sparrow has already done that too! Damn you, Jack Sparrow! Why don't you just get out of that stupid octopus so I can kick your ass! Grrrrrr! Stop taking my ideas!

Siegfried actually just let the raft flow by the current of the river. "Well, this is nice," Siegfried said. "I get to relax as the current takes me wherever I need to be! It'll be like a cruise!" He pulled out a chair, put on his sunglasses and sunbathed……in the fog. And in a full suit of armor. Stupid.

As Siegfried was…..fogbathing…….he tilted his sunglasses to see what was going on. "Ah, a sign! It will tell me where I am heading," he said. As he passed the sign, he read these words:

YOU ARE NOW APPROACHING OSTREIHNSBURG CASTLE

NO BREATHING THINGS ALLOWED

Siegfried took a deep breath. Realizing what he just did, he gasped. "I'm not supposed to be here! Holy crap! What if I get arrested?! What if they put me on trial?" He could already see it in his eyes……

"Mr. Schaufften, do you know the charges brought against you?" the judge would say.

"I do, sir."

"You have been charged with breathing in a 'No breathing things allowed' area. Do you realize the penalty for such a heinous crime?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then, Siegfried Schaufften, I hereby sentence you to 10 years……watching the Golden Girls!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Siegfried woke up from his nightmare. When he turned to look around, he saw a girl leap onto his raft. She was clad in torn up green rags. In her hand was a giant metal ring. She giggled.

"Hello there, handsome. Would you mind letting me kill you?" she said.

"Look, ma'am, I didn't ask for a hooker. Yet. You may be looking for someone else, most likely in Nevada."

"YOU LITTLE DIP! I WILL KILL YOU FOR THAT COMMENT!" Tira lunged at Siegfried, and the fight began.

Nightmare started to pick his nose as Chinpoko searched through the video games.

"Beaten it, beaten it, Matrix video game, we all know how bad those are, beaten it, beaten it, ah, how about Leisure Suit Larry?" he asked.

Nightmare shook his head. "Nah," he said.

"Yeah, a bit too childish for my tastes. How about…..Gears of War?"

"Pssssh. Crap game."

Chinpoko nodded and threw it away. I'm surprised myself that someone would even THINK of something like that.

"Man, this day is so boring! I wish we could do something productive," Nightmare said. He really didn't notice through the window Siegfried and Tira dishing it out on a raft swiftly being carried through the river.

"Yep, pretty boring day, if you ask me," Chinpoko said.

"Hey, I could prank call my brother, Golbez," Nightmare said.

"Ok, let's do that," Chinpoko yawned.

Tira cartwheeled through Siegfried's strike. Her legs smacked him in the face. She then swirled her ring blade around, aiming for his neck. Siegfried ducked and kneed her in the stomach. Pointing his sword at him, he said, "Time's up. Die or die. You choose," he raised his sword.

"Look! A waterfall!" Tira screamed.

"What? Where?" Siegfried turned around. The river kept on going for miles. Tira then punched Siegfried in the balls. She then got up and backflipped into the water.

"Why……you bipolar bitch!" he screamed. But she was gone.

Tira swam up to the castle. A man in dark armor barged out the door, grumbling. Inside, Nightmare and Chinpoko were shaking on the ground, smoke billowing from their bodies.

"He……didn't appreciate our call……" Nightmare murmured.

"Are you sure you're not the original Nightmare?" Chinpoko asked.

Will Nightmare and Chinpoko recover from their 3rd degree burns? Will Siegfried ever have children after his last battle? Will Tira stop murdering the therapists brave enough to try to deal with her severe case of bipolar disorder? Find out in the next episode of Nightmare's Happy Sunshine Story!


End file.
